


The Arrow Darkens

by joatlas



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Dysfunctional Family, Family Drama, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Non-binary character, Other, Protective Siblings, Sad Ending, Step-siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2020-10-20 13:02:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 30,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20675816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joatlas/pseuds/joatlas
Summary: Tales of daily life in the Sch'n T'gai household, following the arrival of a lost Michael Burnham, while Sybok is starting to struggle fitting in on Vulcan and child Spock is still an enigma to the rest of the family.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Italic dialogues are in Vulcan, others are in Standard English unless counter-indication on my part.
> 
> Non-existent canon dates are my own invention, these go as follow:  
Sybok was born in 2223 and came to the custody of Sarek & Amanda in 2233. They adopted Michael in 2236. Therefore at the beginning of this fic, Spock is 6, Michael is 10 and Sybok is 13.

> And I resolve to come back stronger than before  
With every instinct pacing, hungry at the door  
The habit cowed by stronger memories than pain  
The arrow darkens and recalibrates its aim  
_Will Stratton, The Arrow Darkens_

It always started with Amanda baking.

The Graysons baked when they were angry, when they were sad, when they were anxious and when they were happy. It was a habit she didn’t really get rid of. But certainly, everytime Sarek heard the clinking of plates and sensed the faint smell of flour in the house, he knew his wife was feeling some emotion. Of course, there was no sugar, vanilla or chocolate, on Vulcan. She managed. She always did.

It was how he found out she was pregnant, 3.4 years ago now. He left in the morning for a meeting with the smell of flour hanging in the air, and when he came back later in the afternoon, she was still in the kitchen. She had not made that much cakes really. From the swelling of her eyelids and the soreness that he perceived in her throat when she spoke, he figured she had spent a significant part of the baking process crying, which would have slowed the endeavour certainly. As they had been trying to conceive a child for a time, it was only logical that this was what this outpouring of emotion was about. He had asked, before she even had to say. She did protest that he always seemed to know everything, but she was smiling, in a way he rarely saw. She kept her smiles to herself most of the time, for his sake, to fit in. The cakes were not adequate. They were 60% over an agreeable level of bitterness. The moment was adequate though, in fact Sarek sometimes wondered if a moment in his life had ever been so adequate. 

However, this time, when Sarek entered the living room to find a heavy smell of flour in the house, Amanda’s eyes reflected something very different. It was not about Spock, as he had seen him reading quietly on the table when he came in. He had to put up his mental shield immediately because their bond was full of anger. Wrath, even. The Vulcan even had to close his eyes for a moment to banish the wave he had encountered. He then looked deeply into her eyes, waiting for her to explain. Anger had never been one of Amanda’s regular emotions, in fact he had never seen her more than mildly irritated. She did not explain, as he expected her to. It seemed she was rather waiting for him to explain something. She only said, notably in Standard and not in Vulcan: 

“He’s in the guest room.”

Sarek lifted an eyebrow, expecting more details. She tightened her lips and turned her back to him, clutching the kitchen counter. He stayed in place for a few instants, waiting for her, before he finally left. His walk through the house was calm and collected, Sarek walked slowly with his hands behind his back. When he finally got to the door of the guest bedroom, he knocked. 

“This is Sarek. May I?”  
_“Yes, you may.” _

The answer came in Vulcan, and in a voice that was slightly too high-pitched to be that of an adult. Sarek opened the sliding door. 

In front of him, stood a boy. 

Though he appeared to be around the age of 10, he was already very tall. His dark hair was cut in the usual Vulcan fashion, and his eyes were a sharp brown. He could have been any boy, but of course Sarek knew. As Amanda said, he always knew everything. The boy took a step towards him and bowed respectfully before giving him the Ta’al. Sarek did not reciprocate. 

_“Kindly forgive the sudden arrival into your home, Sarek. Be aware it is not my choice, as I am only a child, I was taken here by agents of the Vulcan Council, on account that you are my father. My name is Sybok.” _

There was another time were Amanda notably baked, another three years after that. Not alone. Sarek and her had been off-world for quite a long time on various business, well, one business in particular. One of the first thing she did when they came back was take Michael to the kitchen and make her cook with her. Michael did not really do so much, she stayed silent, in a corner, and watched. Her eyes were fixed on the movements of Amanda’s hands. Sarek also looked at Amanda, but he did not know what emotion made her start baking, that time. There were times where he could not decipher her exactly, only through the reassuring humming of their bond could he feel that nothing was wrong, that is was just a strange kind of contentment. He had exited the kitchen with a little light in his eye.


	2. Sybok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sybok is trying to help

The Human did not speak. Strangely, Sybok knew that the popular belief and behavioural statistics demonstrated that Humans rarely did anything else than speak. Most well-behaved Vulcans would have refrained from asking, but he was 13, he was not a child anymore. On the second day of her arrival, at dinner, he looked at Amanda. 

_“If I may inquire as to the state of the Human child by the name of Michael, Amanda.”_ She nodded quietly after she had given a side glance to Sarek. _“Is there any disturbance in her physical state or medical condition that makes her unable to speak?”_  
“She is not mute, no, Sybok.” 

He did not add anything and went back to eating in silence. He knew he was not the only one puzzled as to the child’s state, Spock failed his repetitive attempts to make it seem like he wasn’t observing her constantly. Michael had her head down looking at her plate, but she only played with the food and did not really eat it. After a while, he put his fork down and lifted his gaze towards her. 

“Michael, is the meal agreeable to you?” he asked in a clean Standard. 

She did not move and actually did not even slightly lift her head towards him. Sybok did not feel Sarek’s dark gaze from his side and continued.  
“What is your assessment of our planet? Do you find it satisfactory? I understand the weather must be very hot for your biology.”

She did not move or open her mouth either. 

“In what circumstances did you come to stay within our family unit?”

This time she flashed him a glance. Dark and aggressive. Hurt. A look that said ask me this question again and I will stick my fork into your eye. 

When he stopped looking at Michael, he saw the entire family was staring at him. 

_“That is enough.”_ Sarek simply said.  
_“She needs stimulation if she is to recover her ability to speak.”_ He said, as if an evidence._ “Certainly, Spock will not be the one to stimulate her as his speech frequency is at the same level.”_  
_“I reiterate that it is enough.”_  
_“There is nothing false in my statements, Sarek.”_  
_“I order you to leave dinner and stay in your room.”_

If Sybok had anything else to say, he did not. He nodded and walked to his room. There was maybe something stiffer about the way his body moved, but that was all. Being shut down by Sarek was a frequent event, anyway. 

He tried to meditate. He tried to study in silence. Recently he started to find out more and more that, at times, he was simply unable to concentrate. This was most unusual for his Vulcan nature. But then again, he very often felt unusual. He did not ever have time to forget that he was different. When it was not an insinuation from Sarek, it was from one of his teachers, or one of his classmates. He had thought being the most advanced pupil the Science Academy had seen in a long time would grant him respect. He was wrong. No one admired him for it, people only wanted to know why it was. And these reasons were never attributed to his own mind but always to external factors. A most humiliating and illogical hypothesis. One had to think one’s intelligence came from inner qualities of the brain and methodical talent in organizing thoughts. But obviously, they did not take time to consider that. 

Sybok ended up pacing around his room, as he often did, recording fleeting thoughts that passed through his mind, ideas he should explore. They were of very diverse nature: historical, scientific, literary, philosophical… This evening, he found a lot of his interrogations touched on grounds that could relate to Michael’s situation. _ Investigate effects of the Vulcan weather on the Human biological system. Is there any data on the psychological effects of a change in family unit capable of affecting speaking abilities? _

He went to rest later that evening with the idea that he would search for all this information on the next day to better approach the situation. No one else seemed to be willing to do anything.  
In fact, it took him almost three days. He wanted to be thorough in his research, and he was faced with a lot of Human resources that were harder for him to understand, the psychological one, especially. It seemed all events of life could affect their bodies and minds in ways Vulcans could hardly imagine. If they worked too much, for example, they could start to have trouble walking and have uncontrollable movements in their hands. That disturbed him in many ways. If only their evolution had told them to control their approach to life as Vulcans did, a lot of their physical problems would have been avoided. They were a strange and fascinating species. 

It was three days later, then, that the first thing he did when he arrived home was go to the balcony where he thought he would find his step-mother reading. He had his PADD in hand and stood before her with the determined look he always bore when he was happy to have found out something important. She sensed his presence and closed her book swiftly. He handed her the device with a slight nod of the head, and she looked at it for a moment. It had scans of human brains, long behavioural analysis and various recommendations. She only brushed on the content for a moment before she lifted her gaze towards him. 

_“What is this, Sybok?”_  
_“Well, as you have already read it, I would assume your question is misplaced, but I can describe the content of this research to you more specifically if that is what you ask. I endeavoured to understand the cause of Michael’s disturbances in standard Human behaviour by an attentive study of Human neurological patterns following changes of living accommodations and environment, but also planetary conditions. My aim was to find an adequate way in which to address the issue.”_  
_“This is very nice of you.” Amanda answered. She had a faint smile on her lips._  
_”I was not attempting to be nice, merely to gather information in order to scientifically resolve a problem that has occurred within our living unit.”_  
_“Yes, well, trying to resolve the problem is what is nice of you. This is more than your Father often does.”_

He never called Sarek “Father”, and Sarek never called him “Son”. These words only ever came out of Amanda’s mouth, but he suspected sometimes it was more to draw a distance than pull them together. 

_“I had no intent to criticize Sarek’s actions.”_  
_“I know.”_  
_“Well I am satisfied you would describe my actions as “nice”.”_

She nodded and there was silence for a moment between them. Truthfully, Sybok was expecting Amanda to ask him to clarify his conclusions so she could act accordingly with the child. But she was not Vulcan and maybe did not see the logical course of the conversation as he did. 

_“Are you not enquiring as to my conclusions?”_  
_“Well, I already know how Michael is feeling. All she needs is time.”_  
_“I indeed specified a long period of rest and calm is adequate to adapt to the planet.”_  
_“Sybok. It is not only about the planet. She… lost her parents. As you lost your Mother.” _

Sybok’s upper lip shivered and his eyes darkened. Amanda took one of her hands in the other, retreating as if she felt it was the wrong thing to say. Indeed, the adolescent did not say more and grabbed his PADD before leaving the balcony with only a slight nod in her direction. 

When he passed through the living room to go to his room, Spock was there looking deeply as a child’s device he possessed which showed a chart of the Alpha Quadrant. Sybok stopped to look at him for maybe a second or two, feeling a bitterness in him he wished wasn’t present. He would make it go away, later. If he could. When Spock finally felt his presence, he had already turned the corner to leave.


	3. Amanda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda does her best.

Taking care of a child in an advanced state of distress and grief was the most difficult thing Amanda ever had to do. And she had to do it twice in her life. For two very different children, sure, but twice. 

And of course, it fell on her. Sarek didn’t know about those things. Try as he might to be gentle and understanding, it simply was not his way. She advised him to simply keep silent near Michael, but his silence and hers were different. Hers was inviting her to speak and open, his was simply cold. She had accepted that, of course, long ago, the day that they met she knew she had to accept that. But at times such as these, it was hard to be the only one in the house able to deal with anything. If she was, really. She was no psychologist, only a Human. 

For five days she had come every morning in Michael’s bedroom to wake her up. 

She put her hand on the girl’s forehead and brushed her hair back gently, sometimes brushed her fingers on her cheeks, until she saw her eyes open in the semi-darkness of the room. Michael never rolled back in her bed or grunted. She looked at Amanda strangely, without saying anything, then got up to put on the same clothes she had when they picked her up and when she arrived. Amanda had to secretly wash them during the night. She stood out between all their ruffling of long robes and beautiful fabric, in her t-shirt and pants. Amanda didn’t think it was time yet to do anything about that. Of course it would be impolite and badly looked upon if they went out like this into town, but that wasn’t in the plans for now anyway. 

It had been five days. And though Sarek did not express it, she started to feel like he thought it was taking long. But he felt like she had expertise and he respected that. 

She did not. She did not and it scared her. She was as clueless as any other Human would have been facing a broken child they couldn’t fix. 

Amanda had no clue what she was doing. 

So when Sybok approached her with his studies, and his charts, and his brain scans, she felt relieved. Not that she would directly use the information, he was such an advanced mind even for a Vulcan that she could hardly keep up with him already. But it felt good to know she wasn’t the only one who cared and who tried. Sybok was peculiar at times, more and more as he grew up, and Amanda welcomed the change but she knew Sarek did not agree. It was heartwarming to know someone else was worried. She only wished she hadn’t made the mistake of bringing up his mother, a wrong call, definitely. Walking on eggs, all her life was walking on eggs. As if having married a Vulcan was not enough, she had to deal with a son she did not understand, a step-son that felt deeply misplaced in their family, and now, Michael. It was a lot for one person.

Sarek had to leave the evening of the fifth day, for a couple of days only, but still he had to leave. As he always did when he was going away for a while, he made a little more noise while walking towards the door so that she would hear him from the living room or the balcony and greet him before he stepped out. Everything was about the details with him. Details were their secret language. For example, Amanda held both of her hands together in front of her and it was how he knew she was, on some level, upset about him leaving, if it wasn’t clear enough through their emotional bond.

_“I am unable to refuse this mission in the current state of events. However I will make sure it does not linger.” _

Amanda only nodded. She knew he had to, even if it sometimes felt like he fled bad situations. 

_”The well-being of Michael will be ensured in your presence.”_

She nodded, but added swiftly, as if she was actually saying it to herself:

_”Do not worry.”_  
_”I do not, my love.”_

She brushed one of her fingers over his hand, when she saw Spock standing a few feet away from them, silent. 

“Come say goodbye to your Father, Spock.”

One of Amanda’s only absolute rules in the house was that Spock and her only communicate in Standard. She had given a lot to Vulcan culture but she could not imagine speaking in any other way with her own child. Even if it meant receiving side looks in public for doing so. 

Spock made a few steps towards them, but did not immediately turn to Sarek. 

“Mother, there is a situation you need to be aware of.”  
“Well, say goodbye and then you can tell me all about it. Your Father can’t wait.”  
_“Goodbye Father.”_ he then said, slightly bowing respectfully. 

Sarek mirrored the gesture and slid the door open to leave. Mother and child watched him for a few seconds, and Amanda was ready to ask her son what was the situation before, to her surprise, he did it first. 

“I believe the situation is urgent. It is in the garden. You need to go there.”

Amanda frowned and felt a sort of fear in her stomach. Nothing was ever urgent or worrying usually, and this little dark frown Spock displayed was not a good sign. She quickly turned to the stairs that led to the back garden, giving him a look that indicated he needed to come with her. 

Before she even stepped into the garden, she heard noises, snapping sounds or branches especially. Her pace quickened so that when she arrived there her cheeks were slightly red. 

Michael was standing in a havoc of branches, kicking with her foot a giant aloe-vera looking Vulcan plant. Crying so much it seemed she was trying to water the garden. 

Amanda slowly approached her, and she could feel behind her that Spock was hiding, one hand gripping her dress. He had never seen such an outpouring of emotion and surely the experience was overwhelming. 

She didn’t know if Michael was not seeing her or if she was ignoring her. So carefully, she started calling her: 

“Michael? Michael?”

Eyes burning red and still full of tears turn to hers and she felt a sting in her chest. She had not done a good job, she was sure. The child was hurting and she made it worse. The child was hurting and they took her to an unknown planet barely explaining anything. The child was hurting and Amanda had not managed to stop it. Guilt climbed inside of her and her throat became sore. 

Michael had a piece of branch in her hand and threw it at the ground, near Amanda’s feet. Immediately she turned to Spock. 

“Stay back.” she said to him, then directed her gaze to Michael. “Honey, I’m here, it’s okay.”

It was not okay. Why did she say that? It was not okay. 

Another piece of cacti brushed the side of her dress to fall at her right. 

“Michael stop.”

The eyes of the little were fixed somewhere behind and did not really look at her. They were full of rage and sadness. 

A branch hit Amanda’s calf, and quickly, another scraped her arm, tearing the fabric of her dress. 

“Michael you have to stop.”

As the girl was menacing with another branch, Amanda lunged forward and grabbed her wrist, the projectile immediately falling to the ground. She still refused to look at her. 

“I’m here.”

She slowly bent down on her knees to take Michael in her arms. Stiff at first, refusing to give in, she started to feel her face on her chest, her tears falling down her clothes. The little girl’s skin was hot from the Vulcan sun and her small arms grasped her as if she would fly away any second. Silently, tears started tumbling down Amanda’s face as well, as she brushed the back of the girl’s head.

“I know. I know. It’s okay. I’m here. It’s safe. You’re safe.”

They stayed there for what felt like eternity, surrounded by the mountains of ShiKahr.


	4. Sybok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sybok tries something.

Sybok had a plan. 

Maybe Amanda did not agree to him taking any kind of initiative concerning the Human child. But he believed he knew what to do. After all, he had researched extensively. It didn’t appear as though she had made any progress. 

On the seventh day she had stayed in her room. 

It was peculiar as until then she had always followed the family’s very own rhythm. 

Something had happened, he suspected it from the strange look on Amanda’s eyes when she looked at Michael. Or no, Amanda was discreet, what had tipped him off was Spock’s behaviour. He had changed his usual seat at the table to take the one that was the farthest away from her and he avoided the living room where he stayed most of the time. Everytime someone around him moved slightly too briskly his mouth closed tightly. He was… afraid. Sybok knew better than to enquire about the events but he knew something had happened. Was she dangerous? Violent? She did not appear so. Was it because her parents died?

Honestly, and he would never say it out loud, or admit it to anyone as he barely admitted it to himself, Sybok’s only urge when he arrived in the house three years ago was to struck Sarek in the face. He knew it was wrong and against his nature to even have such a thought but there was nothing he desired more, for a while, than to see his biological father suffer. As if he was responsible for his mother. 

He still desired that, sometimes. 

It wasn’t much of a stretch then to imagine that she wanted to do the same thing. She was the same age he was when he arrived, and she was Human. Humans wanted to punch other Humans in the face all the time, didn’t they?

Sybok looked at the time and lifted his head from his research homework. At that time, Amanda was video-transmitting with Sarek in the study, he had heard her say so to her son. Therefore she was not watching over Michael. 

Trying to make himself as discreet as possible, fearing that he would be seen by Spock, he went to the kitchen to pick up two cups of tea. Putting them on a tray, he then made his way to the guest quarters, which were in a different part of the house, so as to allow diplomatic guests some privacy. 

He did not ring the door. 

When he entered, the bedroom was chill. For him, at least, which was surely a normal temperature for her. He suddenly thought that a hot beverage was a proposal that did not fit with her current environment. Humans liked to drink hot beverages when it was cold, a habit or their species that was not supported by scientific evidence. 

At first, he could not see her, as she was sitting on the ground in a far corner of the room, her head in her knees. 

“Hello.” he said without making any further steps in the room. 

He did not expect to hear, coming seemingly from deep in her throat, a broken: 

“Hello.”  
“Do you want this cup of tea?” he asked as he took steps forward  
“Your name is Sybok.”

Sybok deduced that the restating of simple facts that were obvious to everyone in the conversation was her way of establishing firm logical grounds to what she would say next, or that maybe it gave her the reassurance of definite information.

“It is. Your name is Michael.”  
“Yes.”  
“Do you want this cup of tea?” he put it on the ground next to her. 

She was not looking at him, but eyeing him, with side glances that immediately went back to looking at her feet. She did not look at the tea. 

“You’re Vulcan.”  
“I am.”  
“I am Human.”  
“I know.”

There was a short silence.

“What does _tevik mekhlar _mean?” Michael asked suddenly

She pronounced it wrong but he understood. Sybok frowned slightly. Answering that question came in contradiction with the plan he had established following his search on the adequate treatment for Michael. Refusing to answer her questions was not a viable option either. He could not lie. There was an interface in the room, she could ask it the answer, it was no use. 

“It means “deceased parents.”.” he said simply, his eyes looking directly into Michael’s. 

He was expecting more reaction. She only bit her lower lip. Suddenly, Sybok thought of one of the things he researched. Humans were not telepathic beings. They did not know when someone was feeling the same way as them unless they said so, and they needed that to feel less alone in their emotions.  
“_Tevik ko-mekh._ Deceased mother. My mother is deceased.”

Saying such a thing in Standard was something Sybok had never done before and it felt strange coming out of his mouth. He almost took a step back as Michael rose to her feet. She was of an average height for her age, but compared to Sybok’s massive size, she was small. Their height difference, however, did not matter in the least as the gaze she directed towards him was full of an emotion and a determination that impressed him, froze the most Vulcan parts of his heart. 

“Can you take me outside? To the town? I saw it when we arrived in the shuttle.” She took a breath, she probably had not said this number of words in a long time. “I want to go outside and see the town.”. 

Sybok considered the idea. Amanda would not agree to this. But she was occupied at the moment and would still be for a while, as she believed Michael to be asleep. He had to build trust with her. He was older. He could protect her. It would only be a short walk into town, he would show her the Learning Center, the main plaza, they would come back to the house, nobody would know. Fifteen minutes at best. 

“I agree to take you there.” He paused. “There is only one thing in need of being arranged. Your attire is not adequate. It will draw attention.”

Sybok was very observant, even more than the standard Vulcan. He had seen Amanda take some Vulcan clothing into Michael’s room. And there it was, in the closet. He gave it to Michael and left her to dress while he waited outside the door. 

Moments later, he heard the sliding of the door and she emerged, in a dark purple day robe, very similar to his own grey one. She had a scarf over her head to mask her ears and protect her from the heat. She had thought of that. She was smart, Sybok thought, for a Human of her age. 

They started towards a second exit of the house, on the far side in the direction of the garden. They were about to step out into the sun when they heard a small voice behind them. 

“Sybok. Michael.”

Spock was standing there, watching them strangely. 

_“Where are you going?” _

He didn’t have yet all the mannerisms of Sarek in his speech at his age, but in his voice, he did quite already.

_”To town.”_  
_”Mother did not allow Michael to leave the house without her.”_  
“I heard you say “Michael” you know.”, she interrupted with a dark stare at Spock. “And I know you can speak my language.”

He seemed surprised to hear her talk as he turned his head in her direction, but the slightest appearance of that emotion left his face as her stated firmly:

“You are not authorized to leave.”

Sybok sighed. They were losing the time they had. 

“Spock. If you go to warn your mother of our departure, we will have time to get away. You can not lie to her. So come with us.”, he said calmly. “We will merely show Michael the notable sights and buildings of ShiKahr, and then return to the house. Mother will not be aware as she is occupied at the moment.”

Spock looked at him deeply for a second or two, then bowed his head slightly. 

“It is logical. I will accompany you.”

Sybok nodded in agreement and continued towards the exit, casting a knowing look at Michael. They started to walk, without Spock who was tying his shoes. They knew he was following when they heard the sound of his feet hurrying behind them. 

Within a few minutes of walking in silence, they arrived at the main plaza. The town was organized in the most efficient way possible, in the center stood an immense statue and around it were organized the main buildings of the city, notably the town council and the learning center. Sybok pointed every building and named them quietly to Michael who listened in silence. Sweat had started to form on her forehead and drops were falling along her temples. Spock also listened very attentively, but he knew the town of course, so Sybok wondered why he appeared so interested. Michael did not react, or nod, she simply followed Sybok as he was going. He did not know what she thought. 

A few passerbys had gone past them without noticing, before a young boy stopped and looked at them. He was about the age of Sybok, who seemed to recognize him and started turning away, before the boy’s voice addressed him:

_“Is the girl with you the Human, Sybok? We have been made aware of a new addition to your home unit.”_  
_”I do not believe our familial arrangements are of any concern to you Sivak.”_  
_”The house of Sarek is a disgrace to Vulcan.”_  
“What’s going on?” Michael asked with a low voice.  
_”She does not even speak our tongue. She is unworthy of living among us.”_

Sybok felt a dark anger build up in him. He was not supposed to. The boy, that he knew from the center, had piercing words but remained calm. If he did not, he would prove his assumptions that he was different. But it was hard. He was raising a hand in front of Michael before a small voice came from behind him. 

_“Leave us. We are not a disturbance to you.”_

The corner of Sivak’s mouth seemed to almost lift in a grin when he saw 6 year old Spock make his way towards him. 

_“Leave us.”_

Spock’s eyes were so serious that they seemed to pierce through everything, including Sivak, like a laser beam. There was not a high chance of this being menacing enough to force the boy to retreat, but he did. He lifted his head and looked down upon them, a very insulting gesture, before leaving in a turn of robe. 

Sybok turned to give a look to Spock. It was not a thanking or kind look, he did not need one, Spock had been has insulted as he was and therefore reacted accordingly. Instead, Sybok looked at him as if to remind him that that was his role to play, that he ought to have driven the bully away. 

They headed towards the pathway back to the house. Sybok was expecting Michael to ask more pressing questions but she did not seem eager to. Maybe she thought preferable not to know the exact nature of the insults. Therefore, he decided to address the issue himself, only a minute or two before they arrived back to the house. Spock was walking slowly behind them in silence.

“Some Vulcans do not understand our philosophies in the proper way. Instead of viewing difference of species, or even character, as a necessary part of one’s diverse universe, they posit that there is only one pure way to be a Vulcan. Furthermore, our civilization is very protective of its secrets and customs and the arrival of a member of another species in our daily life can be perceived as an intrusion.”  
“So they hate me?” Michael said faintly, as the heat was starting to twist her throat and make her voice harsh.  
“No. Hate is irrational. They do not approve of you.”  
“Oh.” she said, something sad creeping into her tone.  
“If that is of any emotional reassurance to you, they do not approve of our family in the general sense.”  
“But you’re…?”  
“My parents were not married and Spock is half-Human. Two situations which are close to non-existent in our society and perceived negatively.”  
“Ok.” she only said, her mouth closing tightly, as they arrived near the house. 

Sybok suddenly halted his steps and looked her deep in the eyes. 

“There is nothing inadequate about either of our situations, Michael. _Kol-Ut-Shan._”

She did not ask him to clarify what it meant. Sybok felt she understood.


	5. Michael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael learns one of Amanda's secrets.

It was all her fault.  
She asked to stay. She begged to stay.   
If only she had not, they would be on vacations on Mars right now. They would be bathing in sunlight, she would be sweating as she did in the air of Vulcan, but she would be with them. They would still be here.   
For days now this had been playing on loop in her brain. _If you had not asked, they would still be here. They’re dead because of you. They’re dead because of you. _

She had barely come out of the room for a good three days after that time she had gone to town with Spock and Sybok. That day she had felt a sudden urge to explore, to know where she was, born from the claustrophobia of being stuck in that house and in that room with only memories and guilt for companionship. But that brief step in the right direction had meant three steps back. 

She did not belong here. 

When she first arrived in the house of Sarek, she had her meals with them, because she simply followed Amanda everywhere. Nothing felt real at that time, the events, Vulcan, these people, it all felt like a long dream. 

Then she had gone in the study to access a workstation and had typed in her parents name. Reality hit her and her feet took her to the garden where her anger seemed to carve a hollow spot inside of her. 

This was days ago and now she was not angry anymore. Just numb. What was she supposed to do? Live here forever? Have new parents and two brothers, a new house, hell, a new planet, as if nothing had happened? It did not make sense. She did not want to be here.

She did not belong here. 

When she had changed to go outside with Sybok, she had thrown her clothes into a corner of the room. They still lay there, untouched. If she had possessed something that could disintegrate them or set them on fire, she would have done it. She could not bear to look at them anymore. She would’ve like new _human_ ones but it appears it was too much to ask. She had put on the less vulcan-y outfit there was in her closet constantly until then, grey pants and a grey top with a very tight collar. They loved tight collars. Well, they loved tight in all things. 

She heard her door open as she was sitting in her bed, staring at the window that had a view on the wide forest. 

“Oh Michael you’re already up.”

The soft voice of Amanda soothed something in her, even if she pretended it didn’t as she continued to stare at the red trees. 

“I brought you breakfast.” 

As she usually did, she put the tray on the desk that was in the room, Michael knew it from the sound. 

“Sarek is bringing us some Human food when he comes back tonight. I told him some chocolate or ice-cream would cheer you up.”

Amanda has said to her multiple times that they were trying to get special permission to own a replicator at home to remedy the problem. Michael did not care in the least about what food she had to eat but she did not say anything. Amanda seemed to enjoy worrying about it.

“Don’t let any of your brothers touch it though, they might get… sick.” 

She sat on the bed next to her. 

“They’re not my brothers.” Michael replied quietly.

Amanda was staring at the forest too. She did not say anything. 

“Michael… do you want to go back to school?”

Michael turned her head to look at the woman strangely. 

“I’m asking because, if you want to, we have to work to make it possible, but we will. I think you should go back. You love physics and astronomy, don’t you?”

Michael nodded. 

“Where? Here?”  
“Yes of course here, at the Learning Center, with Spock and Sybok.”  
“There are no Humans there.”  
“Well it looks like we’ll have to change that.”  
“They hate me.”

Amanda did not seem to know what to say, and chose the most hypocritical route by replying with a smile. 

“Of course not.”  
“No, I know, because Sybok told me…”  
“Sybok? When did you guys talk?”  
“We… it’s nothing. Uhm… we…”  
“You two snuck out of the house with Spock three days ago.”

The little girl appeared surprised. Amanda had a little laugh. 

“In case you haven’t noticed, this house is almost only made of windows. I know what goes on here. Have you seen how tall Sybok is for his age? He’s not easy to miss that one.”

And right there, for the first time since she had arrived in the house of Sarek and Amanda, Michael smiled. It was short and light, but it was there. For a second it was as if she was the same child she’d always been. The silence prolonged as they both stared into the Vulcan landscape through the window. 

“Think about school, will you?” Amanda said as she was rising up from the bed. 

Michael nodded quietly and her eyes followed Amanda as she left the room. 

Way later in the day, Michael realized she was bored. Her thoughts had occupied all of her time, the days before. They had lent her a PADD and she thought multiple times of going through some star charts, which she used to love to do, but guilt wrestled in her insides every time she made a move to do so. She sometimes navigated on it, or looked at some book that was in the drawers without really reading it. 

But suddenly she felt it. Boredom. As if her mind suddenly woke up from a trance. 

She put on her feet some sort of comfortable but light closed shoes that the family wore around the house, a Vulcan version of slippers she supposed, and left the room. She wandered around the house for a moment. It was huge. Much bigger than any house she had ever lived in, or visited even. It was a lot of empty space however, and it was so clean that it was almost scary. There wasn’t one object out of place or anything lying around. They had some statues and ornaments, that she found strange but probably had a meaning she did not understand. They did not have any family pictures. It was a beautiful house, she supposed, but it didn’t feel homey. It felt very cold and definitely not like a family of four lived there. When she arrived in the living room, at least she had assumed it was that because there were chairs, a bench and a few books in a shelf, Amanda was sitting there reading quietly. She read a lot, Michael had noticed. Was she bored too? She put her book down on her chest when she saw her there. 

Amanda was a beautiful woman. The orange lights of the end of the afternoon made her skin glow and her eyes started to shine as soon as her mouth moved into a smile. 

She ended up putting her book down and rising up from a chair to survey Michael with a gentle look. 

“Everything okay, Michael?”

Why would anything be okay, that was a more realistic question.   
“I just… So you… I will stay here?”

Amanda tightened her hands together and pointed to the chair, silently asking Michael to sit while she sat near.

“Do you want to?”  
“No.” the little girl replied immediately, tightening her lips. 

She felt Amanda’s hand take hers and didn’t move it. She didn’t know why she said no so vehemently, she didn’t know where else she could be, she had no family to take her in, she had never lived on Earth for a long time there was no reason she would go live there. All she knew was that she didn’t belong on this planet or in this house. 

“Well, I need you to stay.”

Michael was surprised to hear that. How could she be needed? They had everything. She was not meant to be here, she didn’t have a place. 

“I need you to help Spock, show him how it is to be human. Could you?”  
“I’m not a babysitter.”  
“Considering you snuck out of the house with no permission after a few days, I wouldn’t hire you as a babysitter.” 

She laughed quietly, Michael didn’t. She didn’t feel like laughing and it made sense. 

“Sarek and I took you here because you needed somewhere to go, but I will love you as my daughter, Michael, nothing else. I will never replace your mother, but I will be there for you as long as you need me.” 

As she said this and squeezed Michael’s hand, there was a sparkle in her eyes, something gentle and kind and the girl felt relieved. A minute ago she may have felt anger hearing this, and a part of her still hated being here, but she felt Amanda was sincere and it was soothing, in a way. Amanda took her silence for an agreement and proceeded to smile. 

“Do you want to see a little secret of mine?”

Michael frowned.

“I don’t know…”  
“Come here and see this.”

Unlike the homes Michael had previously lived in, and all the homes she had ever seen, there was no big projector or screen in the living room used to watch films or play games. She supposed Vulcans didn’t do those types of things. Amanda tapped twice on the top of a normal-looking decorative box that was sitting on a shelf on the opposite wall, and the device lit up in a pale and discreet blue light. Michael came near and she saw on the top of the box was actually a screen. Amanda scrolled through it for an instant before she smiled and said: 

“A secret sweetie, remember.”

She clicked and from the box emerged the loud sound of drums, before a song begun. It was human music, upbeat enough to dance to, which was what Amanda started doing. She swung swiftly from left to right. It seemed she was used to doing that, most likely on days like this when Sarek was away and the boys were at school. 

Michael didn’t feel like smiling, let alone dancing, but to her surprise a small smile crept its way to her face. It wasn’t long before she was also waving her arms around, funnily, making herself laugh out loud. She was still just a child despite everything that had happened. Amanda and her started turning around together and making themselves almost fall. 

They didn’t see time flying by. Before they had time to realize it, Sybok and Spock, freshly back from the Learning Center, were standing in front of the show they made, dumbfounded. Michael stopped moving to look at them, but Amanda, still in some sort of euphoria, gave them the sign to come closer. Sybok did not but Spock approached her, curious. Michael watched as she swept him from his feet and started to make him dance with her, which he did not really do, but what the little boy did was smile, so widely you could start to see his teeth. To Michael, it was a perfectly normal scene of a mom and her child having fun, but she could see from the look on Sybok’s face that nothing about it was normal. He looked as though he had never seen such a thing in his life, shocked, impressed, she did not know exactly, but definitely not as if he was looking at something casual. 

And then the moment broke. Abruptly. Michael saw Amanda put Spock down on the ground, and quickly turn to stop the music, as Sarek stepped into the living room. 

“Spock.” he said darkly, and the boy, suddenly turning pale, looked in his direction. He also added something in Vulcan Michael did not understand.

Sarek did not even look at him, he had his eyes fixed on Amanda. Spock hesitated and bounced from one foot to the other.

“This is unacceptable. We have agreed.” he said to her sharply

Amanda had her hand on her chest. 

“Your father asked you to go into your room, Spock.”, she said, but in a very low voice. 

He nodded and started to leave.

“I will not tolerate any of this in our house. This is highly inappropriate and detrimental to his development and you know of this.”  
“I did not expect you to be back so soon.”  
“Therefore you were prepared to lie to me.”  
“Perhaps I was.” she said defiantly

Sarek’s eyes darted quickly from her to Michael, and he proceeded to speak again in Vulcan, passive-agressive in his tone, to Amanda.

“Do not lecture me about behaving recklessly, when one of the results of you doing so is standing with us in this room.” she answered, her face next to his, red from dancing or from anger Michael was not sure.

Sarek closed his mouth and turned around, casting a silent accusatory glance at Michael and then at Sybok before turning away. 

“We will discuss this at a more appropriate time.”

He left the room and Michael saw Amanda’s shoulders untense. She turned away too, pretending to fetch a book on the shelf at the opposite side of the room. 

Finally, Michael looked at Sybok, who had watched the entire scene unfold in silence. He looked at her and said, with the faintest hint of a smile on his lips. 

“Your… “dancing” I believe it is called was… fascinating.”

This would soon become just an average kind of day in the house of Sarek.


	6. Spock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock worries about himself and then about other people.

Spock was looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, examining his own face with a frown. 

Carefully, he ruffled the sides of his hair so he could put some of it over the end of his ears. Thankfully his mother had been too occupied these past few weeks to tend to his haircut and his hair was longer than usual. He turned to the shelf to pick up a small powder bottle that had an elegant arabesque design, Amanda’s khol. Spock slowly took the stick out of the recipient, like he had seen her do sometimes, and started applying it to the arch of his eyebrows, drawing a line parallel to his eyes. Then, replacing the fringe that had been pushed a little to the side, over his forehead and his brows, he finished the experiment. 

He looked at himself for a good and long minute, or rather he looked at his human alter-ego. He still stood like a Vulcan and had the expression of one, surely. But it was interesting to see himself like this. He wondered if his father would have loved him had he looked this way. He wondered if his Mother would’ve held him in her arms more often. 

Afterwards he took off the makeup, put everything back on the shelf as if nothing had been touched and straightened his hair back to reveal his ears. 

Vulcan brains developed more quickly than human ones. Unfortunately, that meant Spock remembered all too well the day his brother Sybok had arrived home, even though he was three at the same time. He had been recently drawing parallels between this and Michael’s arrival. The common consequences were quite similar : apparent trouble between his parents, increase in emotional response in his mother, for the child signs of rejection of the conditions of living though displayed by different symptoms each time. 

This is what Spock was thinking about, though he appeared to be studying in silence in the living room, when he heard Sarek’s footsteps arriving near and lifted his head from is PADD. 

_“Father.”_ he said respectfully  
_”Spock. Come with me.”_ Sarek only answered, before turning away in the direction of his office. 

Spock did, with the small steps of the child he was. In his head, he was calculating the possibilities of this being for his father to scold him. He did not exactly pinpoint the reason for which Sarek would be reproachful, but he often did not when it happened, therefore it was not unreasonable to assume this. He found he was most likely wrong in his assumptions when he stepped into the office to find Michael there, sitting in front of an unfinished game of chess. 

She was drastically changed. She wore a dark robe and her hair was cut. Her frizzy curls had completely disappeared and she looked like a Vulcan, her hair straightened and cut short. Spock was not taken aback, as he had assumed her appearance would have to be changed at a moment if she was to remain in ShiKahr, but the change was drastic. 

His eyes remained on her for a moment, and it was only seconds afterwards that he saw Sybok was standing to his right, standing more straight than he usually did. Maybe he had made the same hypothesis Spock had as to the reason of this meeting.

_“Spock. Sybok. There are several things you need to be informed of as of now.”_

Spock deviated his eyes from Michael to his father. She kept looking at the chess game. Sarek continued in Standard.

“Michael will, starting tomorrow, attend the Learning Center as you and Sybok do. I have had discussions with the instructors and especially the head instructor and they have agreed.”  
“Sarek, if you allow me, I do not believe this to be a wise decision.” Sybok objected, frowning.  
“I do not allow you. Your opinions on matters pertaining to Michael are of no value to me.”

Spock could sense that Sybok tensed, probably clenched his fist. His opinion was frequently dismissed by Sarek, therefore such an emotional reaction to an answer most usual was not very logical of him, but Spock did not comment. 

“Maybe you have failed to consider the animosity Spock and I face from other students attending the Learning Center. Michael has already experienced this first hand. This situation will worsen should she attend as well.”  
“I have not failed to consider anything. I have considered all risks and consequences of this decision and suggesting otherwise is the opposite of the kind of respect you are to pay to me, Sybok.”

Spock felt a shiver go through him. The tension between his brother and his father made him highly uncomfortable. He wished he could leave the room, but he was unfortunately not dismissed. He saw Sybok force a comment to remain inside his mouth and close his eyes for a second, leaving Sarek room to speak. 

“You will accompany Michael to the center and back to the house every day, unless Amanda or I have told you we will. You are not to leave her alone, under no circumstances. Are we in agreement?”

Spock nodded immediately, Sybok did not which caused Sarek’s glance to darken, falling down on his son like a cold and heavy stone. Sybok finally nodded. 

“We are in agreement, then. I hope you will assist Michael to the best of your abilities through this experience. I do not expect less of you.” Sarek said gravely to the two of them.

He left the office and the three of them were left standing there, looking at each other strangely. Sybok let out a sigh, faint and discreet, but there. Sometimes Spock really was puzzled by his reactions. 

“Was attending school your wish?” he asked Michael

She had not said anything the entire time, but then again that was not really a surprising fact. 

“I guess.” she said, a tired look on her face.  
“How can you guess? Do you not know what was your own response?” Spock asked, genuinely wondering.  
“It’s just an idiom Spock. Michael means to say that she said yes but not wholeheartedly and with a certain amount of doubt.” Sybok explained with a calm tone.  
“Yeah.” she shrugged

Spock felt ashamed he did not properly understand what she was trying to say. He did not want to give her the impression that miscommunication would affect their potential to build a proper familial relationship. 

“I apologize.”

Sybok made a movement to leave. He stopped before he was near the door to speak to her.

“I do not approve, as you have heard. But I hope it will go well for you, Michael. I will see you tomorrow for our departure to school.” 

Michael only nodded and directed her eyes to Spock as if she was expecting him to leave as well. Instead, he walked to sit on the chair in front of her, on the other side of the chess game. 

“Was my father teaching you how to play?” he asked.  
“Yes.” 

He saw that she was making a movement beneath the table and bent his head to the side to see. She was forcing her fingers into making the Ta’al. When she saw that he was looking she quickly tucked her hands under her thighs. 

“Your father said I have to learn before tomorrow or people will think I am impolite when I go to school.”

Spock doubted other Vulcans would have such a respectful gesture for her but he did not say. Instead he put his hand in front of him, demonstrating the gesture to her. She extended her hand and tried it again, with some difficulties. The second time he actual put his hand to her hand and helped her make it, extending his fingers as hers did. Seeing she could do it, she smiled widely. 

He was surprised to find he smiled too. 

The next day, Spock woke up feeling unusually… worried. Well, he was not exactly worried, but he found much more thoughts were dancing in his mind than the usual ones. He had not all the necessary information to imagine what this first day of Michael at school would resemble. He was left to hypothesize, with way too much unknown variants. 

He barely paid attention to Amanda as he was eating his breakfast, as always earlier than everyone else. Michael slept a little more than him and Sybok never ate in the morning, despite Amanda telling him to do so every day. 

Spock had not said anything to his mother, but she couldn’t help.

“You’ll be careful, Spock?”  
“Of course.”  
“If they tease you, I’ve already told you, just ignore them and do not say anything back.”  
“Yes, you have given me this advice on multiple occasions, Mother, I follow it.”  
“You do.” 

As she said this, she ran a distracted hand through his hair then smoothed them back in place. 

“And don’t speak in Vulcan with your brother when she’s with you, it’s not polite.”  
“Even if the conversation does not concern her?”  
“Especially then.”

Spock did not know exactly why Michael would want to understand a conversation that she had no interest in and did not affect her but he did not question. He believed everything his mother said to be wise. In fact, he thought her the wisest person around him, even if she was not Vulcan. Maybe _because_ she was not. 

Soon breakfast was long gone and the three of them were standing near the entrance of the house, Sarek and Amanda standing patient behind them. 

Amanda kissed Michael on the forehead. 

“Have a nice first day at school Michael. You too, Spock.”

Everyone else was dead silent. Especially Sybok and he was rarely silent. Amanda made a movement towards her son as if she wanted to embrace him or kiss him too but it seemed she refrained when she saw how darkly her husband was side-eyeing her. Spock would’ve sworn she did. He only looked at her strangely but did not move. 

“May your studies be efficient.” Sarek said gravely, before nodding in their direction and turning back to go in his office. 

Sybok, being the elder, was the one to take the lead and he started walking down the stairs to the street, both children following him. He seemed to take his distance with them and Spock had to walk faster to catch up to him. Not two minutes after they had started walking, he turned to his brother, frowning so harshly his brows seemed to come together. This sign of anger, or discomfort, or he did not know what emotion, put him off and he took a step back. These gestures confused him, he could not interpret them and he did not like it. 

_“This is not a good idea.”_ he said, repeating himself from the day before, even though Spock had heard him yesterday when he said that.  
“My mother said to speak Standard.” he was answered by a puffing sound from his mouth. 

He felt Michael’s gaze on his back. 

_“If they do anything to her, if they hurt her. You do not intervene. You come to get me on the second floor.”_

The little boy shivered. It felt, to his brother’s tone, that he was sure it will happen, that he was absolutely sure it would, some time, maybe not today, but soon. And as if that was not clear enough, he put a hand on his shoulder and reasserted:

_”You come to get me on the second floor, Spock.”_

The touch and repeating himself, that was peculiar behaviour. But his brother had always been peculiar. There was nothing he could say except nod. But he felt his muscles go stiff now, thinking of going there. 

The Learning Center casted its tall shadow over them as they stood on the street. It was silent and so would be their day. This time.


	7. Michael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael is not having a good time at school and Sybok and his friend have a secret project.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The vulcan "lore", if you can call it that, in this chapter is of my invention and very speculative... I just think some scientific babble is always kinda fun. 
> 
> As for things concerning Sybok's mother, I've reused some details from the ST V novelization but I also have my own ideas about it.

Someone says loudly something in Vulcan she does not understand. 

Don’t turn around to look. Just walk. Walk straight ahead. Do not turn your head around. 

It continues. 

She understands a word or two, human… They are probably asking her to turn around so they can say something about her appearance, or her grades, or her intelligence, or the class she’s in.

It’s her third week at school. 

At the beginning they gave her the courses of the 6 years old, with Spock, thinking it was suitable for her level. They soon found it was too easy and she is now with the 8 years old, which is more or less the right level for her, even though it’s humiliating. Even though instructors lift their nose at her as if she is unworthy of being here. Even though she feels like everyone is looking at her whenever she walks into a room, or breathes even. It’s tiring and suffocating. It would be too much for any ten years old, but Michael has lived through more upsetting things not six weeks ago and bullies are the least of her emotional troubles.

_“Kroikah.”_ she hears harshly, coming from behind her. 

That word she knows. Stop. She slightly turns around to see Lomek pacing a bit faster to catch her. 

Lomek is a friend of Sybok, his best friend, well, maybe his only friend. Lomek often stands out in a crowd of young Vulcans because their hair is of a very light brown with red undertones, almost auburn. It is something Michael likes about them. She smiles discreetly. In another context she would greet them properly with the ta’al but she does not wish to draw more attention to herself and it seems her classmates don’t appreciate that very much. 

“Greetings Michael.” Lomek nods, walking beside her. 

She lets silence envelop the two of them and does not comment on anything. Michael is often this way. 

“Are you not asking me what they were saying?”  
“No.”  
“They we-”  
“Please don’t.”

They get quiet again and calmly start walking down the main stairs towards the exit of the Learning Center. 

Thankfully, the day is over. And once she is inside the walls of the house, she can finally relax. Sometimes her head spins thinking that her parents died less than two months ago and now she is here, in this secluded planet, an alien. 

They stop in front of the main entrance, Michael putting her cloak over her head to protect herself from the direct sunlight. 

“Are you coming with us back home today?” Michael finally asks them.  
“Yes. Sybok and I still have work to do on our project. I will wait for him and Spock with you.”  
“Great.” she catches herself sounding a little too excited and says more seriously. “I mean, adequate. Can I see it this time?”  
“See it?”  
“Your project?”  
“Oh. Maybe.” they answer as she can see the faintest of smiles on their lips

Vulcans never say maybe, so clearly Sybok has influenced them. Michael smiles as she conveniently sees him arriving in their direction in the company of Spock. 

“I saved your sister from some very… interesting turns of phrase earlier.” Lomek immediately says to Sybok, their dark eyes fixing him.  
_“Who?”_ Sybok probably says in Vulcan, as if Michael cannot guess what he means.  
“I believe you know. Nothing out of the ordinary.”  
“If there is a way I can make them regret what they are saying I will find it and they will regret it.” 

Sybok had been a little on edge about the entire thing. His tone became a bit harsh and aggressive when he started talking about it. He seemed, at times, more angry about it than Michael who preferred to remain quiet and not stir the pot. She hardly had processed everything that had happened properly already. Sybok had been talking about revenge ideas way more than he should have. Sarek had said it was improper to take revenge, Amanda simply believed it would not help their case, which Michael believed. Sybok was not satisfied with that. 

“It will soon stop. It can not go on forever.” Lomek said calmly, contrasting with Sybok’s apparent annoyance. 

Michael wished she believed this.

A little while later, she was sitting on the floor of Sybok’s room with a cup of herbal tea in hand. That was a new thing now, she drank tea like they all did. She watched as Sybok was changing the place of very small metallic pin-sized devices on his friend’s face and head. He kept going back and forth between his work station lined up with wavelengths and numbers, and Lomek who was sitting on a chair. 

“No. Wait. Lift your head. No, not like this. Yes. Do not move.”

Sybok turned back to the screen as a big empty rectangular spots was suddenly filled with various spots of colour who were moving slowly, growing and decreasing, as if organically.

“Do you see this Michael?”

She didn’t know what she was supposed to see. Her eyes widened at him. 

“Is it functioning appropriately?” asked Lomek  
“I believe it is yes.” Sybok looked eagerly at the screen. “Think about something positive. A memory, or a sensation.”

Michael did not know exactly what all of this was but seeing Sybok so animated by his project was surely worth it. He had literally stopped in front of the screen, without a word, while Michael and his friend were both looking at him and waiting for him to say something. At some point he turned back to them, an unusual and genuine smile on his face. 

“What is it?” said Michael eagerly  
“It is… Lomek’s katra.”  
“Their what?”

Michael had risen up from the floor to stand near Lomek’s chair and she could feel them tense. Their hand was clenching their knee over their thick green robe. 

“You are sure Sybok? There is no doubt?”  
“You have followed the development of this device, you can see as clearly as me that it responds as we expected it too, meaning dissimilar to brain patterns.”  
“Is that brain activity?” Michael asked.  
“No, precisely Michael.” Sybok said as he came near her, his eyes gleaming. “Brain activity has been tracked by humans for more than two centuries, and more for us. The brain is here.” He pointed something on the top right of the screen, that Michael, focused on the colours, had not seen before. “But that...” He now pointed to the colours. “...is not the brain. It is something different. There is no human word because humans do not possess it. It is our… soul if you want… source of emotion… essence… And observing it is extraordinary.”

Michael was satisfied with the answer, though she still was not sure exactly what was going on, she felt like she was seeing something important and it pleased her. Sybok had his eyes glued to the screen and it was a moment before he suddenly rapidly moved towards the chair and started taking off the metal devices from his friend’s head. His face had suddenly closed. 

“Are we already stopping?” Lomek asked, visibly confused  
“I need to think.” Sybok said. “And it need to hide this. I was not expecting results so fast, we only have been conceiving this for a year. If the council-” 

As he was speaking, he was taking all the visible traces of their project into a black metallic box. 

“Sybok. The council will not look for anything. We are only adolescents, it would not be logical.” 

Lomek looked at Michael and then added something more quietly in Vulcan that she did not get. This got slightly on her nerves, so she spoke:

“I don’t understand, if that’s such a big discovery, why don’t you tell everyone? If I was a genius I’d want everyone to know.”  
“It is complicated to explain.” Lomek started quietly. They were a lot smaller than Sybok and had a calmer voice, which a confused Michael welcome. “We do not study our emotions in such a way, it would mean accepting them and we suppress them. Manipulating and dealing with these issues is left to a very small number of priests, and what we are experimenting here is a religious and political offense of a serious nature.”

_Great_, Michael thought,_ as if this household needed more offense. _

“Why do you do it then? What is the purpose?”

Sybok turned to her and suddenly a veil was over his eyes. 

“I want to know the truth.”

He went closer to her and Michael sensed a feeling from his tone she knew too well. 

“My mother suppressed all her emotions before I was born and I was raised in her monastery. She never felt anything for me, never smiled at me. I think...”

He stopped as if he felt he was going too far. Lomek was standing quietly, not surprised, they seemingly had this conversation before. 

“I think it’s wrong and our ways should change.”

Michael only nodded.

“I’m sorry.”  
“I know you say this as in a usual way of speaking for humans and not as really meaning you have done something to be sorry for, so I thank you for your concern.”

And just like this, he had gone bad to his usual talkative, but logic, self. Michael was starting to suspect it was in a way an act, and that his genuine self was the one she had seen a minute ago.

He went back to his desk and closed the black metal box before sliding it into a drawer.

“I trust you to keep that to yourself, evidently.”

Michael agreed. She felt like a grown-up, she liked that Sybok never considered her like a child, that he included her in things even though she had arrived so recently. He knew how it felt more than anyone, death, grief, arriving here. There was a deep and silent respect between the two, still, children. She was determined to help him keep his secret and get to his goals, even if they were very unclear to her still.

“I will. You can trust me.”


	8. Sarek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarek has to make a decision to better his family's reputation.

A summoning was never a good sign. Rarely, were you invited to a private meeting at the High Council simply so you could be congratulated on your achievements. After all, Sarek’s recent dealings with the Andorian government had been incredibly fruitful and surprisingly effective, for once. There was a possibility that this was what the Council wished to discuss. But Sarek was not enough of a fool to trust that possibility. 

“I hope your meeting goes well.” His wife said, readjusting his collar with a slight smile. 

He had not lied to her about having a meeting at the High Council, but had refrained from expressing any concerns, which had led her to believe it was simply a customary meeting to debrief his recent trip to Andoria. 

They were in the path outside of the house that led to the shuttle landing area, and behind Amanda he could see Michael & Spock running around I-Chaya in the garden. He did not need a visual reassurance to feel like his choices made sense despite what the Council might say to him, but it did confirm his opinion. 

He extended his fingers to Amanda who responded to the gesture, a gentle look in her eyes, before she headed back in the direction of the house. 

A little later, there he was, standing in a room with a very high ceiling, wide windows giving an impressive view on the city capital. Though the city was organized, there was still a sense of activity and, in a way, chaos, that Sarek had never liked. It was why he wanted to live in a more remote area, in the midst of the mountains and the desert. 

He was interrupted in his thoughts when he heard the sound of the door and entered T’Gol, the second most important member of the council and a woman he recognized as Ovaa, the high-regarded president of the History Academy, who also lived on ShiKahr. Her presence puzzled Sarek, who now had to add a new unknown factor concerning this mysterious meeting. They all addressed him a respectful Ta’al, which he reciprocated. 

T’gol wore a very richly decorated traditional dress. As protectors of Vulcan cultures and traditions, council members gave a lot of attention to what they wore, even more than Sarek did as an ambassador. 

_”Sarek, I have heard that the dealings with the Andorians went exceptionally well.”_

She did not look at all as if congratulating him was the aim of this discussion.

_”Indeed.”_ he simply answered, casting a side glance at Ovaa.   
_“I believe you and Ovaa are acquainted.”_ T’gol remarked, visibly having seen his confusion  
_”We are yes.”_ he said. _“I simply wonder what issue could necessitate both of our presence here.”_  
_“We have been having some concerns for a while about your family unit. You are aware of this as every time we have been made aware of some changes we have expressed these concerns to you.”_ She made a pause. _”However, the last one may have repercussions you have not anticipated. Are you aware of the existence of the logic extremists?”_  
_”I am aware of rumours of the existence of such a group, yes.”_  
_”Recent information lead us to think they are not mere rumours. We have been receiving something akin to threats from this group. Michael Burnham’s admission at the Vulcan Learning Center is one of their concerns.”_

They mentioned Michael. Sarek, for the first time since he had made that decision, was concerned. He had not questioned her safety and had refuted it when Sybok touched on the subject, but it seemed there was a risk. 

_“I have agreed with the head instructor of the Center on this, and with members of the Council.”_  
_”Sarek.”_ This was the first time Ovaa spoke, and she appeared eager to be more upfront than her counterpart. _“You must realize your situation is most irregular. An out-of-wedlock child with a Priest is one thing, a marriage with a Human is another and taking a Human as a ward on our planet and raising her as a Vulcan is again another ; but all of those things, together? You must understand that the citizens of ShiKahr and the Council feel like you are abusing our culture and our willingness to remain open.”_  
_“Is that a view that you share, Ovaa?”_ he asked, quite harshly.   
_”I only think that if you want this opinion to change and to appease these extremists, you will want to comply to some of our traditions and demonstrate your attachment to our values.”_  
_”And you appear to know exactly in what way I should do that.”_  
_”I do.” _ she inclined her head politely _”I know your second son Spock is not bonded yet.”_

So this was the direction in which this conversation was going. Now Sarek knew and he could take the hand, as he had learned to do very much in his diplomatic dealings. 

_”And I know your elder daughter T’Pring is not either despite being three years old than my son.”_  
_”Then you surely understand why I invited Ovaa to this meeting now Sarek.”_ T’Gol remarked.

They remained in discussions for a moment, Sarek asking for more details about the logic extremists but only getting vague answers, and after agreeing with Ovaa that their family would come for a customary dinner at their house at the end of the week in order to properly meet Amanda and Spock and announce the bounding. 

Sarek came home feeling assured this decision would make their troubles integrating go away. 

He had expected the children to be already resting when he arrived, but Michael was in the living room, with Amanda reading aloud to her. She had her head against her chest and Amanda was embracing her and smiling while reading the story. They both appeared peaceful and Sarek stepped lightly into the room, in their view. Amanda lifted her head and seemed to wake up. Michael looked at him deeply for a second her two before her eyes drifted back to the book.

“Sarek. You are back.” Obvious statements were a normal speech pattern of Humans and he had grown to like them in no one else but Amanda. “How was your meeting?”  
“I would rather discuss the nature of this meeting in private. It is, after all, Michael’s resting time.”   
“Yes, you’re right. It’s late honey, we’ll continue tomorrow.” 

With that she kissed her on the forehead and watched her leave the room after she had said good night to the both of them. 

“She has trouble sleeping you know.” Amanda commented after she had left the room, as Sarek was coming to sit near her. The both of them often spoke in Standard together when it was late in the day, because Sarek knew his wife became tired, it was one of his subtle attentions.  
“I am aware. It is a normal reaction to a traumatic event.”  
”I know but… I’m happy that we are getting close now, but she still doesn’t talk very much about them or about what happened. It’s still inside, it’s not very good for her.” she explained before she lifted her hand in the air, a gesture Sarek knew now meant she was dismissing her last comment. “How was your meeting anyway?”  
“I have met with Ovaa, she is the head of the History Academy and lives on ShiKahr as we do. She has a daughter, T’Pring, who is nine and we have agreed that she and Spock will be bonded.”

Amanda froze and closed her eyes rapidly looking at him, which he took as a demand for more explanations. 

“The council was expressing concerns about our way of life and our family unit, therefore it was the right decision, it will appear as if we comply properly with traditions. They are coming for dinner at the end of the week so we can make proper introductions.”

Amanda put her hand to her mouth and looked at the ground, seemingly breathing more harshly. Sarek did not understand how he was supposed to interpret this reaction. She knew that Vulcans were usually bonded between the ages of 6 and 9, and though they had not discussed it specifically in regards to Spock, it was only logical. 

“You are telling me that you just agreed to marry our son without talking about it with me first. To marry our six year old son.”  
“You know it is our custom.”  
“It’s _our_ son.”  
“I did not believe you could object to this most logical proposal.”  
“Are you kidding me?” her voice had raised, which she seemed to regret as she took a long breath. “I thought you explained to me that probably no one would want to promise their daughters to him because of his heritage.”  
“I was wrong in my assumptions.”  
“I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you did this.”

Tears had started to form in the corner of her eyes, and Sarek was taken aback by the anger and sadness he started to feel rushing in him from their bond. She rose from her seat. 

“Sometimes I really wonder why I married you and who you think you married Sarek.” she said harshly, loudly, on the verge of crying. 

He looked at her and tried to send a good feeling to her telepathically. _Ashayam… I will be okay. It is a good decision. Beloved..._ She ignored that and instead left the room urgently. 

Sarek stood there with his lips slightly pursed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, T'Pring is 3 years older than Spock in this fic, I changed it (though her age or birthdate is never told in canon actually) and there is a reason I wished for her to be older (a reason that has to do with much later events) so bear with me here.


	9. Spock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions rise.

One blow, a foot, his brother’s back. A noise, a terrible noise. Spock’s body shivered with the blow. 

He could feel on his cheek drops of blood falling down from his forehead, that had been cut open when he had fallen to the ground. A boy from his class, that was now kicking his brother, had tripped him up so he would fall down in the stone alley at the back of the Learning Center. 

Another blow, the thighs this time, it would leave a bruise. Spock shivered again. And again as the blows started to multiply and ring in his ears and mix together until all he could see was a blur of ruffling noise and an impression of pain. 

_“Your parents must be ashamed of you, brainless twats.” _ he heard a small voice through the grey veil of his eyes and conscience. 

Michael barely knew basic words in Vulcan but it seemed Sybok had told her how to swear. He had never heard it, and it surprised him so much that he deviated his head from the sight of his brother to see her standing there in her grey outfit, with her hair that started to frizz back on the sides. Behind her stood Lomek, and if Sybok’s attackers weren’t impressed by her, they were starting to be too much. Lomek’s parents both worked for the High Command and no one ever tried to say anything to them, not to their face at least. 

The three attackers made a terrible gesture to Sybok’s body on the ground, which make Spock’s stomach turn even more than the violence. Symbolic violence was even more disgraceful to him, terrifying. It meant they did not even pay him respect, regard him as one of their own. All of this because he was a bastard, and they found him strange and illogical, and his mother was dead. All of this, truly, because at thirteen years old he was smarter than any of them would ever be and they did not accept that.

They left. Spock’s arms detensed but he simply stood there until he felt Michael’s face arriving near his face and looking him deeply in the eyes. 

“Spock, are you okay, what happened?! You have blood all over your face!”

He did not answer and pointed only to Sybok’s blurry figure on the ground, feeling tears prickling at the corner of his eyes.

_______________________

Spock dragged himself to the house behind the three of them, Lomek was holding his brother and tried to get him to walk properly but he could only do a few steps before his legs gave up and he had to struggle to make a few steps again. Their pace was much slower than it usually was and Spock did not want to estimate how long it would take them to reach the house but it would be long. 

Michael had asked him again and he had simply told her. There was no story to tell. Someone had tripped him up and Sybok had seen it and intervened. He did not want him to, it did not need to go this far, and now his face was swollen and was hurting and it was his fault. Why did they hate them so much?

Spock had secretly told himself that if something like this happened to him or his sister, he would not go to get him. He would deal with it himself. It was his weight to bear, after all, he was the freak. It was what they had said before they made him fall down. They had said “Greetings, freak”. They might have disliked his brother for other reasons but it would never be like this if it weren’t for him and Michael, the half-human and the human, the kids who did not belong on this soil or at this school.

Spock’s thoughts were interrupted by a scream as they were approaching the house. 

“OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED???”

It was still a bit blurry but he saw the silhouette of Amanda running towards them. Soon she started yelling again.

“WHERE IS SPOCK?? WHERE IS HE??”

He did not move but she made a step to the side and saw him, running again and bending down to his height to cup his head with her hands, examining his face. 

“Are you okay, sweetie? Who did this to you?”  
“I fell.” Spock only answered, his dark eyes locked onto hers as he felt her cold fingers brushing his cheek gently. 

She rose again, her hands slightly tinted green, and led them to the house, her pace quick and alarmed.

“Lay him down on the couch and Michael go get the medical supplies do you know where they are??” 

She nodded and ran off. His mother was speaking very fast almost as if she was now past the shock and presiding over a very delicate military operation. 

_“Lomek can you go to the kitchen to get some water and cold wet cloth.”_  
“Spock, sit there honey.”

She had not called him “sweetie” or “honey” in a long time, so it seemed she was scared, or maybe she wanted to reassure him, or maybe she was worried, or angry. Spock didn’t know, it confused him.  
_“Sybok, you can hear me right?”_  
_“Yes. But… Can’t …. Speak”_ he struggled to say through the pain, his voice sounding rough

Amanda froze and took in a breath, suddenly, as if she was trying to refrain herself from losing her focus. She then said to Spock, out of nowhere:

“Your father will be here any minute.”

That, to be fair, was not very reassuring to him. He needed to say it, she needed to know it was his fault that the fight had started. 

“They made me fall on the rocks.” he said calmly. 

Perhaps it was not clear but he could not master anything else at the moment and even if he did Lomek, then Michael started rushing into the room and before he knew it was only the sound of hypo shots and dermal kits. The skin of his forehead burned a little under the device but after that the prickling sensation, vaguely painful, was gone. They had tried to give a sleep hypo to Sybok but he kept refusing. Amanda had started to pat a cold cloth on Spock’s skin to clean the blood when Sarek arrived. 

_“Sybok.”_ he said gravely. _“As I have received from the Center and the parents of Sivak, you have vehemently attacked three classmates. I am ashamed of you.”_

Spock felt his guts drop at Sarek’s tone and also the idea that he was wrong. But he had to tell him he was. 

_”It is difficult enough for all of you at the Center, for you to behave so recklessly is dangerous and self-centered. You will formally apologize to Sivak and his friends tomorrow and I never want to hear of such events happening again.”_  
_“No.”_ Spock heard him simply say, his voice still hesitating but less raspy thanks to medical treatments.  
_”Are you defying my authority?”_ Sarek’s eyes would have been red with fire and Spock could feel his mother retract, surely sensing the anger coming from him.  
_“Yes.”_  
_”You do not deserve anything we have given to you, you are not worthy of our home. Certainly, you will remain with us, but be aware that I do not want you here anymore.”_

Sarek had not raised his tone yet everyone in the room felt like he had. Sybok did raise his tone, in a strange, unnatural way, just to say:

_”You never wanted me here.”_

Sarek lifted an eyebrow and his face closed.

_”No. I never did.”_

Spock felt sadness go through him, he admired his brother so much, _he_ wanted him here, teaching him things, protecting him... Everyone was silently watching it all unfold, afraid to say anything, afraid to oppose a voice to Sarek.

_“Father, he was protecting me.”_ Spock said firmly. _“Because they said I am a freak.”_

As he said it he felt again the pain he had when they told it to his face. Yes, he knew. He did not know who he was or if it was okay to laugh sometimes, or hug his mother when he wanted to. He was not anything, not a Vulcan, not a Human, he was an idiot, he couldn’t learn to read like the other children did, he was the first ever Vulcan to be an idiot. He had forged no friendship with children his age, they all looked at him expecting him to do or say something to mock him. He did not know if his real language was Vulcan or Standard because he kept using both in his head. He was a freak. No doubt. He would always be weird and abnormal. Unacceptable. He was nothing else but a freak. 

_“And it is true.”_ he added, when silence lingered. 

As he asserted that, he felt his heart tightening and a shiver taking over him and in a second or two he was tearing up. He had not cried since he was very small, but suddenly he did. 

Tears fell on his cheeks silently as he watched his father turn away.


	10. Amanda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> T'Pring and her parents are the Sch'n T'gai's guests.

Amanda looked at her own reflection in the mirror and sighed before starting to apply her khol. She was wearing one of her nicest dresses that she usually kept for very official dinner receptions she had to accompany Sarek to. She did not know if she had to dress for tonight and had refrained to ask. 

She sighed again. 

She could not believe she had agreed to this. But what could she do? Wait until someone beat her son to death? Or Sarek loses his job and is exiled? Seeing him crying, so hurt, she had wondered maybe her husband was right, maybe his human side was too much for him and he had to be protected from it. She had always refuted it but now she saw it. The more normal he felt, the less he would be hurting. So they had to do the normal thing for him. 

The only thing Sarek was willing to give to her is the ability to refuse the match and choose another - she could not believe this word - wife for her son, in case she did not like the girl of the family. Amanda had never been one to judge Vulcan society but she felt like she was living a 19th century novel. They would all act kind and polite but truly gauge each other. Sarek was better at that than she was. 

Speaking of, she felt him arriving behind her before she could see his reflection in the mirror. 

_“You are taking longer than usual.”_ he said, the real question behind that being if there was something on her mind. 

He could probably feel that she was anxious and slightly annoyed, but he made the effort to ask instead of simply reading her feelings. 

_“I just want to look presentable.”_ Amanda answered before she started applying lipstick.   
_“You do not look presentable.”_ Sarek said with a soft voice

She turned around to look at him, instead of his blurry reflection in the mirror and gave him a strange look. A look that said step out of line again and you know what’s coming. 

_“Presentable is not an accurate term, you are as always the most beautiful woman I know.”_

You’re fine this time, she thought. She smiled, thinking of how she hated that man sometimes and loved him dearly at the same time. Her hand brushed his cheek lightly and he did not react outside of looking at her more intensely. 

_”I have not asked you this question yet.”_

That was not a good sentence to come out of Sarek’s mouth.

_”Do you believe it is a good idea to have Michael and Sybok dine with us?”_  
_”What do you want to do? Confine them to their bedrooms?”_ she said sarcastically  
_”If it is more fitting yes.”_

Amanda turned to the mirror to look at herself one more time, before she kissed Sarek quickly and muttered, before leaving the room:

_”I will pretend I did not hear you suggest that, honey.”_

__________

These past few weeks, they had made some changes to their cooking habits to accommodate Michae!, tried to tone down the most daring Vulcan items and add things that could appear familiar to her. It was not easy to procure some food items from Earth but Sarek knew people. Well, Sarek always knew people, it was sort of his thing. Tonight, however, it would be a full traditional Vulcan meal and she would have to do. It was not in the couple’s intention to make themselves and their family appear even more strange than they already did, so when normal and traditional could be managed, they had to manage it. Same had gone for outfits, no slacking around, Sarek had made sure of that. 

So when the guests arrived, they stood in the hallway a perfect family. From afar, you wouldn’t have seen that two of them were humans and that the tallest child looked brooding, like he wished he was on the other side of the quadrant.

Ovaa was standing near her husband V’Ula, both looked impressively handsome, in a very different way than the Sch’n T’gai did. Ovaa was dressed very minimalistically and modestly, as was usually for historians, meanwhile V’Ula clearly had a more pronounced taste for dressing up. In front of them, stood probably the eeriest little girl Amanda had ever seen. T’Pring had long dark hair that shone around a face that could’ve been extracted from a painting, but her eyes were so determined, assured, and her pace as if she was a very important person going to a very important meeting. Both made quite the smashing mix, and Amanda was taken aback when the nine year old addressed them first, with a respectful ta’al before she continued to speak. 

_“Greetings, Sch’n T’Gai Amanda and Sarek, I respectfully express my gratitude for this invitation into your home.”_

Amanda did not really know how to react and let her husband handle it, making a gesture to invite them in. Soon enough, they were all sitting at the table, having exchanged maybe a sentence or two, and Amanda thought that she had never felt such awkwardness ever in her life. Thankfully, she was the only one to actually feel this awkwardness, except Michael who kept looking at her hands too. She channeled it by standing up frequently, maybe a bit too frequently, because she had forgotten this or that at the table. One of the differences between a typical Earth family dinner and a Vulcan one was that they did not like to speak over each other, because it was inconvenient, especially if one had to repeat something they had said to someone else just minutes after. Therefore, every conversation was always for everyone. The matter at hand was for the two families to enquire about each other, so after eyeing Sarek discreetly, Amanda had finally sat down and tried to ask a question: 

_”So what is your subject of choice at the Learning Center, T’Pring?”_  
_”Literature.”_ she said with a slight nod of the head, displaying no sign of excitement over the subject.   
_”How neat! I love to read.”_ Amanda said with a smile  
_”Reading is only the very first step of the study of literature which is mostly done through analysis and thought, hypotheses about the author’s intent and the work’s impact on the reader.”_  
_”Of course.”_ she said assuredly, refraining to assert that yes, she knew what literature was and was not about to be more or less called dumb by a nine year old.   
_”May I ask you Spock where is your preference?”_ V’Ula asked him, as all eyes around the table turned to the little boy. 

Her son was not exactly the talkative kind, he was terribly shy and, well, the circumstances were what they were. The events of the week had not helped and he had closed off more than ever. But Amanda was not expecting him to simply not say anything and look at his soup like he wanted to jump into it and disappear. She pressed Sarek’s arm slightly.

_”Spock”_ she said, but he did not lift his eyes to look at her.   
_”It is astrophysics.”_ finally said Sarek so that the conversation did not linger.  
_”All our children are very scientific minds.”_ Amanda added. 

The couple in front of them slowly stopped looking at Spock, but clearly their evaluation of him was not going well. 

The dinner continued in silence, interrupted sometimes by a few sentences of questions and simple answers. Spock did not say anything more during the meal. Sybok and Michael spoke more than him, the first entering a short history discussion with Ovaa, who welcomed it though she appeared to find him odd, and the second describing her interest in later working on a space station. This seemed to fascinate T’Pring who then asked her two consecutive questions about life in such places, the few that Amanda had seen of the girl it meant that they got along. 

_____________________

Much later the children were discussing between themselves, and Sarek with Ovaa in another side of the room, as Amanda sat near V’Ula. The man did not talk very much, contrary to his wife who often said what she had to say, and the golden undertones of his brown robe reflected in the dark of his eyes something more intense, philosophical perhaps. 

_“Spock does not find it easy to talk in such circumstances.”_ he remarked, as Amanda turned to face him, intrigued that he would bring up the subject.   
_”He finds that difficult in many circumstances, believe me it’s not your fault.”_ She paused, looking at her son who was petting I-Chaya pensively while Michael & T’Pring were looking at pictures of starships on a PADD and discussing them. _“But he is a very sweet boy.”_  
_”If I may enquire, it is my knowledge that this custom is very remote from Human’s idea of marriage…”_  
_”And he is Vulcan.”_ she cut him, though she thought to herself she was starting to sound like Sarek. 

She had started to believe it was for the better to think of him this way and hoped she would never regret it.

_”Of course, I did not mean any negative intent that you may have seen in my words. He appears, as you say, sweet. My daughter has a temperament, for a Vulcan, she speaks her mind. Considering this, it seems the match is fitting, though a priest will confirm that assumption.”_  
_”I suppose.”_ Amanda answered, her eyes drifting off again towards the children. 

In no time, they will have grown. In no time Sybok will slightly bend his head to look at her. In no time Michael’s cries, fears and nightmares, will be merely a quiet chimney fire on the verge of collapse. In no time, Spock will have hair growing around his mouth and she won’t be able to remember the last time that she held him in her arms. And he would be grateful for what she had agreed to do, yes, she had to believe he would be grateful for this union. For she had done it for him, only for him. 

She looked at the far side of the room and Sarek’s deep eyes looked back at her, the smallest hint of contentment hidden in the crease of his eyelids. So she knew it was agreed, as the suns were setting on ShiKahr. She had to believe she had done it all for Spock. 

END OF PART 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my fic so far! I'm very grateful for the support!
> 
> I have decided to end the first part here because I intend to do a big time jump as of the next chapter, to focus more on the children's "teen years"... I have many ideas about it and am very excited to get to writing it :)


	11. Michael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a pretty short and no plot chapter just to set the tone for the time jump and what has happened, sorry if you were expecting better content hehe

2242\. Six years later.

On a normal day, Michael woke up, had Vulcan sweet fruits, a kind of bread and tea for breakfast. It was, most of the time, only Amanda and her. Sybok was always here and there and busy and rarely took time to eat, Sarek was off-world a lot as usual and Spock woke up way before she did, or ate in his room to avoid spending this alone time in her company. It had ended up becoming her and Amanda’s human moments. They talked loudly, said curse words sometimes, laughed until they couldn’t breathe and hugged. A few times they had cried. 

Over these six years, Amanda had become a light for Michael, a person she trusted more than anyone and always knew she could rely on. Michael confided her feelings in Sybok but he was fiery and passionate, he had his own troubles to deal with, while Amanda was a calm and stern force that got upset when she needed to. 

After breakfast she walked out in the heat, that she was now more accustomed to. Instead of taking the straight path towards the Learning Center she took the second street to the left, just as a gracious teenager with sleek black hair and always the most elegant outfits walked down the stairs of her house. Michael and T’Pring always exchanged a traditional greeting before they walked in silence besides each other, listening to the sounds around them. Michael marveled at how the first lights of day gave a golden glow to the Vulcan’s skin. 

At school, she was often alone. To avoid any turmoil, the arrangements had came to be that she would be autonomous in most of her learning. It suited her. She was curious and could research what she wanted. 

Everytime she went through the door she remembered the day of the bombing and shivered. She still could feel everything, how the ground felt under her fingers, the smells, the smoke, her own consciousness slowly leaving her body. The way she had started to dream that she was seeing her parents in a bright field. But she had slowly learned to avoid thinking about those events. 

She had lunch with Sybok and Lomek, mostly she liked to throw at them a very polemical question or issue about science or, really, anything, like one gives a bone to a famished dog and she watched them agree with each other happily or bicker endlessly. She never ate lunch with T’Pring even though she was closer to her age because she was very popular and had her own group of Vulcan friends that appeared to put her on a piedestal. Sometimes Michael observed her from afar, straight in her chair, discussing history or literature with authority and charm, and when she looked back at her she felt pride, even though it was only a second before she turned back. 

T’Pring waited for her behind the Center and they walked back home together usually. They chatted more on the way back that in the morning, they talked about the things they had studied during the day, Michael wondered what specific subjects they were touching on in her classes and T’Pring wondered what kind of things she studied. When the discussion was particularly interesting and they had no obligation, they went to sit in T’Pring’s garden and continued talking, sometimes had tea. Michael had managed to make her slightly smile twice in the past year, but she did not brag about it to anyone, it was their secret. As a matter of fact, Michael did not smile much more, it happened, but she had learned to keep them for Amanda and Sybok, to avoid showing she was too human, so people wouldn’t think she was so different. After a while they stopped seeing what she looked like and all that mattered to them was that she acted like them. T’Pring was the only one she smiled to outside of her family. If she could be considered outside of the family…

The evening were often eventful, for they were the only times they got together, as Amanda insisted on that. Sybok did slip away a couple of times a week, staying at the Academy late to work on research or at Lomek’s house, when he was there he was his usual dynamic, blabbering self. Spock rarely said more than two words, even when his brother tried to provoke him into speaking his mind. 

After dinner, Michael sometimes read quietly near Amanda on the balcony, played chess with Sarek when he was there or sat in Sybok’s room while he was getting things off his chest and asking her questions once in a while. 

She went to bed before the rest of the house did, as the sky was still clear, the nights were very short on Vulcan, which was why they did not sleep much, by evolution. But she needed it, so she had special windows that made her room pitch dark and she tried to find a peaceful sleep without nightmares. It had been better, easier, but it had never been the same after she’d lost her parents, and even less after she almost died. 

Life was good for Michael, mostly. It was not foreign, scary anymore. The looks never really stopped but she had learned to ignore them.   
And of course, there was the issue of Spock. He had never forgiven her for what she had said that night. He had been hurting ever since, retreating in himself, and she hated herself for it. She swore she would find a way to gain his trust again, be close again like they were before for a short time. 

She just wanted to see Spock smile again.


	12. Sybok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sybok is hoping the Academy will hear his views, trying to get Spock out his shell and Michael out of her silent devotion for T'Pring.

_“No, you do not understand.”_ Sybok said, with a strand of hair deviating funnily from the side of his face.   
_“Enlighten me.” _Lomek said, looking slightly annoyed.  
_“If I do this presentation at the Academy it could change our society forever.”_  
_“If they listen.”_  
_“They will.”_  
_“I find you over-optimistic considering the circumstances.”_  
_“You see, I do not need to be logical about it, I have the intuition that it will work out.”_  
_“I am just being your voice of reason.”_  
_“As you always are.”_ Sybok remarked, fondly

Lomek opened their mouth to say something but then decided against it and straightened their back against the chair of the library. Sybok perceived he had instilled trouble into the conversation by being over-affective and reverted to his normal tone. 

_”What is the worse scenario? That they refute my research and send me home? Maybe forbid me from the Academy?”_ he said dismissively  
_”No, Sybok, the worst scenario is prison or exile.”_

Pensively, Sybok, who had been standing the whole time, stepped nearer to Lomek. He now knew, or thought he knew, the reason for the trouble in their dark brown eyes. 

_”I will not be imprisoned or exiled.”_ He slowly brushed the tips of his fingers against their hand. _”They will appreciate my findings, everything will change.”_ He retreated his hand and bent down to look Lomek straight in the eyes. _“And we will be married.”_

__________

The damages of the Vulcan mindset ran deep through every part of his world and Sybok spent all his days noticing it and going insane at the amount of work there was to do. His idea was too big maybe. To prove that emotions had to embraced, could be measured, that hindering them was bad for people, was a risk. No one had dared to formulate such opinions in more than a hundred years, and, actually, the opposite opinion was more popular. 

There was no one in which he saw the disaster of Vulcan philosophy more than Spock. He studied him up close, spent time with him discussing physics in the garden of the house, or sometimes taking long hikes in the desert. He could see the pain Spock was hiding beneath his black fringe, the questions, the hatred for himself, simply because he wished to be normal. He didn’t know he had the wrong idea of normal. Sybok did not only do all of this for personal glory, or the advancement of science even, first and foremost he did it for Spock, and for his mother. He would prove everyone was wrong about him. He would. 

He found his brother brooding in the garden again this afternoon. 

Well, everyone else would have thought he was just standing there quietly looking at the plants. But Sybok knew he was brooding. 

He approached him quietly at Spock was glancing at the spot where their pet I-Chaya had been buried, some years ago. He simply stood near him, his arms folded in front of him while Spock’s arms where behind his back, in a way that made him look like a tiny version of Sarek. 

_“What is on your mind Spock?”_

Spock appeared to think about the question for an instant. 

_”Do you ever dream at night?”_ he asked bluntly  
_”I do not.”_ A very discreet smile made his way on his face, he had been working on that recently. _”Or i do not remember them.”_  
_”I often dream of travelling in the stars, endlessly.”_  
_”Agreeable dreams, I suppose.”_  
_”Not always. It feels at times as if my travelling is without purpose and I am looking for something that will never be there.”_  
_”Surely the Space Council doesn’t send anyone in space without a specific purpose.”_ Sybok said, before he realized it might not be the kind of answer Spock expected from him. _”As you know, I am versed in psychiatry and I have especially studied the Human psyche, and I believe they have meaning assigned to most common types of dreams.”_  
_”What would they say about mine?”_ Spock appeared interested and looked in the direction of his brother for the first time  
_”That your future and your destiny is a source of worry for you.”_ Sybok looked back at him but Spock quickly looked away  
_”That would not be logical. My spot at the Science Academy is almost assured, so is my place in the Vulcan Space Program and I am engaged to be married when the time comes.”_

It was true, Sybok thought, that his destiny was more clear than his would ever be. Yes, he had Lomek, but for the time being they had been engaged as a child to someone just like Spock had been, and Sybok had to, somehow, become worthy enough of an annulation. He was hoping his recognition by the Academy would be that, but the fact was, he did not know. And if he were to undergo pon farr before then, god only knew what would happen to him. 

_”Maybe you are unsure that this destiny will be satisfactory to you.”_  
_”On the contrary, I am very sure of that.”_  
”Whatever you say, Spock.” he said, with a smile, as he had picked up this saying from their sister and was quite proud of it. 

Spock gave him an accusatory look and did not seem in any way amused by the idiom. Sybok knew bringing up, even indirectly, Michael in their conversation was not a good move, but he didn’t intend on pretending she did not exist. He knew all that had happened and did not give up hope that one day in the near future his brother would let go of it. 

_”I need to go back to my research, but I will send you an interesting program I have about dreams. You will find it interesting, helpful maybe.”_  
_”That would be appreciated.”_ Spock looked at him kindly. “Thank you.”

When Sybok went through the living room to go to his room, he found T’Pring there, discussing vividly with Michael. She straightened her back when she saw him and immediately greeted him before stating: 

_”I came to speak to Amanda.”_

As if in some sort of defence for spending time with Michael, because Sybok knew that she knew this was the time in the day their mother always went to get groceries. When Michael was there, they spoke Vulcan when it was simple words and phrases but reverted to Standard whenever things got more complicated, out of politeness even though Michael had become very close to fluent, at least in understanding other people were saying, speaking was always more complicated. 

_”Of course.”_   
“T’Pring was telling me about a certain variety of flowers on Zelan III that can eat and digest entire humanoid beings of our size.”

Sybok was not blind, and was also a master in both Vulcan and Human behaviour. Michael had also eluded to him about her… fondness for T’Pring. He kind of wanted to do something about it. 

“That sounds… lovely.”

Michael looked at her friend a little too long before she turned back to smile at him. 

Yes, he had to do something about it.


	13. Spock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock and T'Pring share an usual evening tea

The years had passed both very fast and very slowly for Spock. Strangely, the days were long but the weeks and the months had gone by in the blink of an eye. It was quite an effort to be a lonely child when you had such a large family, but he was. At school of course, he had never tried to make friends, acquaintances even. Everyone knew who he was. He was the weird boy, the impure boy. Things had been settled a bit yes, since the logic extremists had been disbanded and punished, but you could not stop people from thinking, and looking. Even outside of that, Spock simply did not wish to be friends with anyone. It was useless, and the mere idea of trying to spark a conversation with a stranger filled him with nausea. He spoke when he needed to, studied alone, never asked for help. 

His brother and his future wife where the closest things he had to friends, which, frankly, sounded like he was a middle-aged adult and not a thirteen year old child. His mother had tried to convince him many times to change that but he couldn’t. It scared him. 

He preferred the silent stars to be his friends. He liked to explore the galaxies in the silence of his head. He longed to be a part of them, longed to be away. 

When his father was off-world for long periods of time, he was forced to speak to him via video transmission, but most of what he did was ask questions about the people, and the ships, and the planets. He rarely asked about his father directly, but then again his father never asked about him directly. It was after one of those discussions that Spock headed to the living room to find T’Pring standing there with a tray of tea in front of her. It was that time at the end of the day that was still early for the Vulcans while Michael and his mother went to prepare for bed. His mother actually came from the kitchen as he entered and he gave her a simple nod. 

_”I made tea for you two.”_ she said with a smile, in Vulcan to be nice to T’Pring even though she did not have to.  
“Thank you, Mother.” Spock answered sternly. “Good night.”  
“Good night Spock.”

It always felt like she wanted to do, or say, something more than those simple words between them, but she never did. Not anymore. 

He turned to T’Pring at last and sat near her, taking a cup of tea in his hand and feeling its warmth spread for his palms to his arms. He felt concentrating on modest sensations for an instant soothed him sort of like a short meditation, with a lighter effect of course.

_”Were you speaking with your father? If the matter is not private.”_ she asked him.  
_”I was yes.”_ he stated, then added. _”However, it was a short discussion. He is on Earth.”_

T’Pring could easily deduce that it meant he did not have a lot of questions to ask him about distant civilizations and cultures, because she had come to know Spock, a little, even though she mostly came to see him for show, at first at least. Sometimes he suspected convenance was still the only reason she came, that she did not have even the tiniest friendly affection for him. But it was irrelevant to think this, it was improper for a Vulcan, and he would never ask. She had all of this group with her at school, the finest teenagers in ShiKahr, and he only had her apart from his family to talk with. 

This imbalance of social power between often felt strange to him, just like their age difference. He did feel very mature for his age, but he did not have her determination, the same ease with which she walked into the world. But maybe that was not about her age and maybe T’Pring was simply this way. 

_”Would you ever consider living on Earth?”_ she suddenly asked, after a sip of tea. 

She often asked questions with no context, but the assurance with which she did it always ensured no context was needed and it was enough that she simply wanted to know. He wondered if the question only concerned him or the both of us. After all, they were surely supposed to live together, despite how odd the idea was to him. 

_”No. I would not.”_

Spock was firm. He had been asked the question several times, even by his own Mother. 

_”Is there a specific parameter driving you to this conclusion?”_  
_”My occasional visits to the planet have made me realize it is not an environment I would find pleasing, and there is no logical reason for us to have our dwelling on Earth.”_

Us. Our dwelling. 

He used these words to convince himself, and because it was the polite thing to do, since it would’ve been aberrant to ignore their specific situation. But he did not wish to talk about these types of plans, he did not wish to think of having to be an adult, having to be a husband to T’Pring, having to live somewhere and have a family. For truth, it was not only that he did not wish to think of it, it was that he did not wish it at all. 

All he wished for were the stars. 

_”So we will live here.”_ she said after a moment of silence, looking straight at the wall. _”Not in ShiKahr, another place, a larger city.”_

There was silence again and Spock looked sideways in T’Pring’s direction, hoping she felt, too, that this conversation did not feel right. They stated those things as if they were evident when they were nothing but. 

_”I will live in space.”_ He held his teacup in his hands. _”On a starship. I will live on starships.”_

For the first time since their conversation had begun, T’Pring turned her head towards him and looked deeply into his eyes. It seemed she could see through his soul, and maybe she did. It was terrifying. 

Suddenly, he knew why. He always made concessions about everything, considered every option, but this time he was sure, and from his tone there was no other option. It was the first time he reacted in such a bold way to one of her questions, or suggestions. 

She kept staring at him and his lips tightened. 

_”You will.”_ T’Pring said slowly, still looking.

And it was like she transmitted her boldness to him. Suddenly Spock’s head was clear. He will. He had never been so glad to count her as, sort of, a friend.


	14. Michael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael & T'Pring meet in the gardens

Michael hurried on the path to the High Gardens of ShiKahr. It was a place she rarely went to, remote, high up, on the other side of town. She couldn’t get there without seriously breaking a sweat. But if T’Pring needed to talk to her there, urgently, then she had to comply. 

Strangely, their routine was very fixed and definitive, so she had been surprised. Something big, it had to be. T’Pring had told her several times that the High Gardens were the most beautiful place in the city, and probably her favourite place. Plants were, after all, the main thing she was interested in, after literature. Michael had been there a couple times with her family, but with her friend never. So she felt that it was important. Not that she was imagining all sorts of crazy things… well, that would be a lie, she was definitely imagining the craziest things. She knew how upfront T’Pring could be. 

No, get that out of your head Michael. 

The sun was shining on her face and sweat was falling down her temples as she ascended the stairs to the entrance of the gardens. 

As Michael made her first steps inside, her eyes fixating on a giant-sized statue that stood in front of her, she closed her eyes for an instant and heard the sound of insects flying from flower to flower and of small animals rustling the leaves, near the ground. 

“Hello Michael.” she heard coming from her side

She was slightly startled but it did not show. She turned to her friend and greeted her respectfully, watching behind her the view down on the city. 

“It’s so beautiful.” Michael remarked, in awe, taking a few steps towards T’Pring, to see the landscape better. 

There was a long silence during which they both turned in that direction and admired the view. After a moment, T’Pring spoke, slowly.

“Being very high up from the rest of the world is an unusual experience. It must feel exhilarating to a human. “O, torn Sun, fresh and magical blind peacock, hands like arches and specimens, futile eclipse of space.”* A rough Standard translation of an ancient French poem you will forgive me.”

Michael had looked at the city, and, at the same time, at the moving lips of T’Pring, filled with something akin to excitement, the discrete type of course, as she took the utmost pleasure in quoting ancient literature. She did not have a particular preference for Human literature but she often quoted it to Michael, as if, somehow, it could illuminate her feelings. It often rather was actually more obscure to Michael than it was to her. In that case, the young woman was very confused as to how the sun could look like a peacock or have hands, but she did not say a word, because she liked T’Pring quoting her poetry quietly and she had learned poems were sometimes better when one could not exactly decipher what they meant. 

“It is exhilarating.” Michael finally said slowly, stopping to make another comment before T’Pring cut her off in her endeavour.  
“What was the reason of you inviting me to meet you urgently?”

Michael blinked. 

“Me? Inviting you?”

T’Pring seemed to frown, very discreetly, looking concerned. 

“Sybok contacted me to…”  
“Wait Sy…” Michael interrupted. “He told me _you_ needed to talk to me. Crap, I’m going to kill him.” She added, biting her lip.  
“Though there was an offense, I would believe that to be an exaggerated reaction, and I hope you are being metaphorical.”  
“Of course I am.” Michael sighed. 

T’Pring made her way, in a bristle of robes, to a bush of flowers a few meters away. Michael had already looked at her plenty, but she did so again. At the pearls that decorated her hair, the dark blue of her dress, the soft line of her shoulders and the… Stop, Michael. 

“_Svai kor…_” T’Pring said, showing her a light green flower in the shape of a lightbulb. It did not look very beautiful, in fact its green color made it fade in the background and she would not have stopped to look at T’Pring not focused her attention on it.  
“Flower of hope? Why?” Michael asked

T’Pring looked at her kindly, then reported her eyes to the flowers. Slowly, her finger rose to tap on it lightly. When she did so, it started to open, slowly. As it did, it revealed itself, on the inside the petals were a rich, sparkling almost, royal blue, with silver spots. 

“Oh, yes, I see why.”

Vulcans were not always has down-to-earth as people liked to believe they were. T’Pring’s gaze locked into Michael’s. 

“Since we are here, if there is something you wished to speak about, I shall hear it.”

Her dark eyes were glowing and Michael swallowed. 

It was not so hard to say. You’re the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I think about you all the time. She just had to forget about everything else. Just for a moment. 

“It’s a beautiful flower.” Michael said, trying to hide her thoughts.  
“Indeed.” It was supposed to be the end but she added: “A beautiful flower.”

Repetition was not something T’Pring, or Vulcans in general, ever did. Michael stopped herself from thinking it could mean anything, as her eyes looking right at her seemed to melt everything inside of her. 

“Its biology is in this way to keep some air particles from getting inside and to preserve it from decaying too fast.”  
“But it’s hidden from the world, nobody can admire it.”  
“The most beautiful things are hidden.” T’Pring said slowly. 

Was she still talking about the flower? _Of course she is, don’t be stupid Michael. Of course it’s the flower._

T’Pring wasn’t like most Vulcans, she did not like it when things were straightforward and laid out in front of her. She liked to uncover meaning. It was probably the love of literature and poetry that made her like this. 

Michael inhaled a bit too heavily, and tried her best to speak her language, though she felt clumsy now, and had lost a lot of her usual contenance. 

“But if you hadn’t showed it to me, I’d have never known. Now I look at the flower and I know it’s there, but it needs to stop hiding, at least for a second.”

T’Pring turned her gaze at the bush, and then at her again, an undescriptible look in her eyes. A small string of hair bounced against her ear as her lips seemed to hesitate. Unusual. 

All it took was a second. 

T’Pring’s eyes locked into hers. 

A second out of hiding. To know she wasn’t alone. Just a look, an acknowledgement, a nod, the flicker of a smile, of a touch, a movement of the lips, of the head, of the nose, a lingering breath, a slower movement, something, anything from her. A sign. A second of truth. A millisecond. Something, anything from her. 

Michael stood still and did not look away. 

Then, for a second, so brief it was unreal, she saw T’Pring lift her arm slightly, and she felt the soft brush of her fingers against the skin of her palm. 

Or maybe she dreamt it.  
She took a breath and almost reached out to grab her arm, but her friend had already turned away. 

Maybe she dreamt it. 

Maybe she dreamt it but she relinquished to the thought of her touch the rest of the day, and the next ones to come. 

The flower of hope had started blooming inside of her, consuming everything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, I started it before I went to vacation and wanted to post it.
> 
> *“Interlude” in Soleil Cou-coupé (1948) by Aimé Césaire, sorry for the bad translation, Césaire was a legendary poet & black activist from Martinique. Translation is mine and very literal and not the best (poetry is very hard to translate) so I apologize.


	15. Amanda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarek is back at home for a couple days and Amanda is already tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! sorry for the delay, i struggled a lot with this chapter because i wasnt satisfied with it and was very excited about the next one after that soooo here it is but watch out for the next upload it will probably be quicker.

Amanda could feel Sarek’s scent in the air, strange and unusual when she was still used to his long absence. He was lying at her side, but not really there, meditating, as he always did after they made love. Amanda pushed a button for the window to open, and sat straight in bed to look at the night. She rarely saw the night, well, the days on Vulcan were 30 hours long, with 3 hours of night, so she was almost always asleep. She rested her head against her knees and looked into the darkness. Melancholia dawned on her, as it would to anyone looking into a deep night and thinking of how everything that should be right, somehow, felt wrong. Amanda had been having the sensation for a while that things were not as good for her and her family as they should have been, or as they all pretended they were. It was a thought that scared and saddened her, lightly, only when she had an instant to think of it. 

“What is on your mind?” the low voice of Sarek startled Amanda  
“Oh, you’re awake.” As all humans, Amanda liked to state things that were evident. “You _know_ what is on my mind, _ashalik_.”

He could feel the currents of her emotions and the waves that went through her. Maybe it was even what had awoken him from his trance. 

“Not precisely.” He paused. “Is it about the children?”  
“Somehow.”

Sarek didn’t seem to appreciate her being so vague, so he carried on. 

“Spock has been very balanced for the past three years, and he is doing rather well in school. And considering the events she has endured, Michael is growing up to be a very stern and brave woman.”

Sarek had a talent for being extremely logical but, somehow, constantly failing to see the obvious. It was not just because he was away often, he had always been very oblivious to things. If life was, in appearance, going the way he wanted it to go, he did not care whether or not that was really true. He failed to see the hidden troubles of things and people, especially in his family, and it was why he needed Amanda. Maybe the fact that he was never too curious about people’s turmoil was what made him a good diplomat, he never had any bias in dealing with people.

“Spock is lonely and troubled. Sad, our son is sad honey. Michael doesn’t know if the Science Academy will agree to have her in, and what she will do if they refuse. And Sybok, yes I am mentioning him to you, is obsessed by his research to the point that I’m worried about him.” 

Not mentioning his love troubles, Amanda sighed and looked at her hands. She was always as honest as she could with Sarek but they were some things she had never said to him. Mostly, suppositions, because he didn’t take those seriously, but also anything that could give him reasons to yell at any of their children. Sybok, especially. Despite the conditions in which he had been brought into her home, Amanda had developed a soft spot for him over the years. He was beaming, for a Vulcan, lively, full of ideas, smarter than anyone she had ever met in her life, including her husband. He was special. In many ways, she understood Sybok more than she understood Spock. She knew more than she was supposed to about his work, his desire to change society, his ideals. Things Sarek would never understand. He would probably find a way to ship his son to a planet far away for having some of the beliefs he had. 

Sarek only nodded in silence. As if she was not worth a response. She frowned.

“Don’t you have anything to say? I just told you our son is not well.”

Sarek seemed to consider his answer for an instant and his lips tightened. 

“Spock is not sad. You are projecting these emotions onto him.”  
“No _you_ are projecting your _lack_ of emotions onto him. He is sad, Sarek.”  
“Believe this if it is what you wish, dearest.”

Amanda’s eyes suddenly had a new light, a soft rage that was reserved for the times she felt the most annoyance with her husband’s attitudes. She knew it was pointless but at times she wanted nothing more than to scream at him until she had no air left in her lungs. Fundamentally she knew how much he respected her intelligence and input when it came to certain matters, but he also, other days, treated her as if nothing that came out of her mouth was worth considering. But like most of the other times, Amanda refrained from saying anything more. Sometimes it made her feel worthless, but she also knew she was the only one who was actually there, who could actually help. Even if a lot of things were not permitted to her regarding Spock, she would find a way to make him feel better, with Sarek’s approval or not. 

The next morning, she was eating breakfast and laughing with Michael in the kitchen, as usual, when Sarek came in and disturbed their dynamic for a moment. Michael immediately started stuffing quite a lot of bread in her mouth, surely to avoid any complicated morning questions, and only greeted him with a nod of the head. Amanda glanced at her, but then felt a small tingle of anger inside of her, still there after their conversation last night. Of course, she could not help it, and it was certain he felt it because he decided to lean forward slightly to give her a light kiss on the mouth, the human way. A very cryptic way of apologizing but she took was she could take. Then she slightly put her fingers up against his, her way of saying she accepted the apology, though she did it with a stern look, and watched him leave for his day of meetings in the city.

When he had left, Amanda heard Michael munching on the remainder of her bread and watched her lips as they seemingly hesitated to ask a pressing question. 

“Not to pry… but can I ask you something?”  
“You know you can ask me anything Michael.” Amanda said with a smile. 

They were a lot of taboos in Vulcan society, a lot of things no one ever talked about. She had always tried her best to be open with Michael, but they were answers she didn’t have, and also questions Michael never asked. 

“That thing you do? The fingers?”  
“Yes?”  
“Is that just you and Father or is it… a Vulcan thing?”

Amanda was not expecting such a specific question. She didn’t remember Michael ever asking about Sarek and herself. 

“It’s not just us no. It’s how they feel the other person’s emotions you know, telepathy and all of that. It’s how they say they love someone. Kind of like a kiss I suppose.”

Michael choke on the tea she was sipping and coughed for a few seconds before she shook her head and frowned, looking in the distance. Amanda stared at her, wondering what exactly was happening. It was hard for her to believe that she had grown up so fast and could be entangled in some kind of teenage love affair, but it was of her age after all. She lifted an eyebrow and smiled at her. 

“Anything I should know?” she asked her daughter with a soft voice. 

Michael was rapidly stuffing her mouth with the remainder of her breakfast. 

“No. Do you know if Sy has left already?”  
“He left an hour ago, he’s probably in his lab at the Academy.”  
“Thanks.”

Michael got up quickly, kissed Amanda on the cheek and almost stormed out of the room. She did not even put her breakfast things away like she always did. Something was definitely bothering her and Amanda supposed she had to add that to the list of problems her children had. Amanda sighed and looked at the now empty house, wondering what kind of book or music could ease her spirits. 

It had been The Sun Also Rises. The complicated love affairs and witty dialogues under the hot sun of 1920’s Spain were exotic and, strangely, soothing. The end of the day arriving, she was already two thirds into it. Michael usually came back first from school because she had the least classes, and also because since the events of a few years ago, she had been forbidden to hang around the school or talk to the other classmates too much. A shame. But it was that or her safety. After all, they almost lost Michael forever that day. 

This time, however, Spock was the first to step into the house.

“Greetings, Mother.” he said firmly, looking at her.   
“Hello, Spock.”

She always had to refrain being warm and it drove her insane sometimes, though she supposed it was the best thing to do. 

“How was your day?”  
“It was average by all accounts. Nothing out of the ordinary.”  
“How is your program advancing?”

He had been working on a system to improve detection of electrical interference by vessels. It was the most she gathered on that at least, she was no scientist but she always tried to understand as well as she could. 

“Adequately. I believe it might be over before the deadline is…”  
“Spock.” 

The voice of Sarek behind him did not startle him per se, but there was a slight change in his expression, Amanda noticed. Something less relaxed. 

_“As you were mentioning your personal project for the year, I have to tell you I was at a meeting with the Board of the Learning Center today and they have agreed to let you change the nature of your project.”_   
_“I did not ask to change it.”_   
_“No. I did.”_   
_“May I inquire as to why?”_

There was a slight sign of annoyance in her son’s voice, and probably if she noticed, Sarek did too, and would not like it. 

_“You need to be more ambitious.”_  
_“I am being practical.”_  
_“Practical is not enough. You need to impress.”_  
_“It is not a contest.”_  
_“Spock enjoyed working on this project, dear.”_ Amanda intervened, a hand in front of her.   
_“Studies are not about joy.”_ Sarek said affirmatively, still looking strangely at Spock, not even turning his eyes to her for a second. 

It was always about going beyond expectations. Nothing was ever enough. Sarek only wanted what was best for their child, but at times, it felt like everything was always mediocre to him. 

_“Are we in agreement, Spock?”_   
_“Yes, Father.”_   
_“Good.”_

Sarek retired to his office with the look of someone satisfied and Amanda almost went after him to get angry at him again. But she had learned to choose her battles. Her son made his way to the sofa to sit there for an instant, as if processing his conversation with Sarek. 

“It’s for your benefit, that he does that, you know.” she said affectionately, after a moment of silence  
“Science is not for personal gain. But if this is what he wishes, I do not have a choice.”

Amanda sighed. She wished she could say “no, you do have a choice, do whatever you want honey, study what you want to study, marry who you want to marry, be who you want to be”. Life was more complicated than that, and especially her son’s life. 

So she simply said:

“It will be okay.”


	16. Michael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael sees the setting sun on Vulcan for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay, I have been facing a lot of writer’s block but I am trying to get moving on this fic. I have many ideas for it, maybe too many actually, and I am trying to be less of a perfectionist so I can write all of them.

Michael stepped into her house’s balcony. In the still bright sun, the lean body of T’Pring was standing, elbows resting on the stone so that her hands were hanging in the hair, over the valley, graciously. Michael knew she had been reading too much old mythology when in the pleats of her silky emerald dress she saw a dazzling Aphrodite. 

“Did you really call for me or is Sybok amusing himself again?” she said with a certain assurance, though her throat felt sore, suddenly.  
“I did call for you.” T’Pring’s eyes narrowed slightly.  
“Oh.” Michael immediately regretted the, oh too human, vocal reaction. “What for?”  
“Have you ever seen the setting sun?”

Michael, not expecting such a specific question, only arched an eyebrow and slightly looked down. 

“I remember Spock and I discussing you and your mother’s particular sleep schedule.” Spock and her discussed her sleep schedule? “That drew me to conclude you have not often, perhaps never had the occasion to see the night fall on Vulcan.”  
“That’s true. I maybe have but I don’t remember.”  
“Do you want to see it tonight?” Michael swore she could see the slightest twitch on the corner of her friend’s mouth. Hesitation. “In my company, so you can stay awake.”

_________________

Michael yawned. A cool wind rustled the leaves. She yawned again. The sun was getting lower and lower in the sky, slowly dissolving into the nearby mountains. 

“Do not fall asleep.”

T’Pring had something so assertive and firm in her voice it felt like you had no choice. 

“Yes okay.”

As she said that, Michael slowly inclined her hand down to rest it on her palms. If it was her style, T’Pring would have rolled her eyes as the obvious discrepancy between her words and her gestures. But she remained still, eyes locked to the horizon. 

They had avoided the rest of the household by choosing to sit in a remote part of the garden. They weren’t _hiding_, or they would never admit to that, Michael could stay awake if she wanted, she just preferred keeping to herself who she was staying awake with.

For the beginning of the long wait, T’Pring had underlined a number of works of human literature where the sun setting down was praised as the most beautiful thing one could see on Earth. Certainly, it was different here. The composition of the air was slightly different, as was the position of the planet to its sun, obviously, but to T’Pring’s eyes, it was a beautiful sight. Michael would not see it everyday as Vulcans did if she wanted to have a healthy sleep schedule, so today was her exception. 

Michael did not think much about the sunset. All she thought about was T’Pring’s touch, the other day, what her mother had said. She was painfully aware of T’Pring’s presence, of each inch that separated her calf from her calf, her thigh from her thigh, her hand from her hand, her face from her face. And how with the smallest of movement she would be touching her again. 

“I’m falling asleep can you recite something to me?”

Being somewhat of a literature specialist, T’Pring had many works of Vulcan and foreign poetry memorized. She especially often quoted Earth poetry to her, which Michael thought was because she felt she would understand it more. Truly, Michael’s scientific mind was often puzzled by it more than anything. Especially because T’Pring had a taste for the more unconventional. Michael suspected she liked the challenge in trying to decipher what did not, could not, be deciphered. Language so grammatically simple and yet complex in its symbolism that even the Vulcan mind was at a loss. 

“Will you ever know what fingers think  
Of a prey in their grip for only an instant  
Will you ever know what their silence  
In a flash, of the unknown will know”

Michael had refrained from staring at her the entire time but slowly taking in the poem felt compelled to turn towards her. T’Pring’s eyes were firmly locked on the sunset that wasn’t yet there. 

“Who wrote that?” Michael asked, somehow she thought it could be her. It was fitting. It was of course quite a ridiculous thought to have.  
“Louis Aragon.”  
“Is that all of it or just the beginning?”  
“It is not the beginning.”  
“What’s the beginning then?” Michael insisted. 

T’Pring’s eyes left the mountains to look at the ground. She never did that. She was proud, popular, loved, admired, others were drawn to her charm and intelligence. She always looked straight ahead, determined, she always lifted her head. 

“Tell me.” Michael straightened her back. 

T’Pring slowly started to speak. 

“Give me your hands for the worry  
Give me your hands I have dreamed of them  
I have dreamed of them in my lonely hours  
Give me your hands so I can be saved  
When I catch them in the trap  
Of my palms and my fear, my haste and emotion…”

Michael felt time was suspended as her friend’s face turned in her direction. She never swore but fuck. Her fingers made their way to hers. An instant or two and they had crept inside her palm. She could probably feel her emotions and some of her thoughts right now, like her father could since that day… At first, T’Pring did not react, until her hand started to move and her fingers acknowledged Michael’s palm to, caressing it slowly as if discovering it was there. 

The sun was finally starting to disappear and the sky had turned into a strange, unusual colour. Michael felt compelled to watch but did not let go of T’Pring’s hand. Until ShiKahr was immersed in black, their hands remained together, not clasped against each other but merely touching. Their fingers were still brushing against each other when they made their way back to the house in the darkness. When they parted at the door Michael tried to reach for it again but T’Pring was already gone. 

_______________

“I deduce you are omitting to tell me a detail of this story, Michael. Tell me all of it.” 

Sybok was not facing her but his desk of screens and sensors that moved together in coloured waves. Michael had two small diodes on the sides of her head, because in exchange for his time he had to study her brain. 

Sybok was way more relaxed than any of his peers, he was quick-witted and full of humour sometimes. But once he stood in the lab, it was like a more serious person had never existed. His passion for his studies changed him entirely. 

“Does all of this record anything?” Michael asked, shyly. She usually talked easily with her brother, but something about the setting and his attitudes made her more quiet.  
“It records a lot of things, heart, brainwaves.”  
“What I say, does it record my voice or words?”  
“Not exactly.”  
“Sy…”  
“You’re asking if you can speak freely. You can.”  
“Then I...” 

Her hands were clasped together. She didn’t know if she should tell him but she had to. She had to tell someone, ask about things no one ever talked about. It was vital for her to know things, where she stood in all of this. Truly she wanted to know how bad what happened was. 

“Well not I, she…” She had no doubt anymore that it happened, it was so vivid in her memory, it was real.  
“Really interesting.” Her brother said, his eyes locked on his screens. She thought at first he was being sarcastic but apparently her brain waves were acting strangely. No wonder.  
“She touched me. I mean my hand, she touched my hand. We touched hands.”

There was a pause and Sybok turned slowly to finally face her, a little too dramatically to her taste. 

“I asked Amanda about it.” She always said Amanda with Sybok because she did not want the word “Mother” to upset him. It was stupid, maybe, since he could hardly become upset from just that, repression and all. “She told me it was romantic.”  
“It is.” Sybok was looking at her very deeply. “It is not something someone does without thinking. It’s important, Michael.”

The way he had said that in such a humanly way signaled that his lab self was now back to his big brother self.

“Does it mean she likes me ?” Michael dared to ask, her eyes piercing through Sybok’s strange expression.  
“Yes.”

Michael was at the same time both relieved, excited and terribly anxious. Her smile had appeared and she thought of everything they would share. Strolls in the garden, conversations, dinner on her balcony, books, birthdays, kisses. Sybok smiled at her faintly and seemed to think deeply. She thought maybe he recollected his own feelings for Lomek. 

“Michael, I believe what humans say is “Do me a favour.”.”  
“What favour?”  
“Enjoy it before…”  
“Before what?”  
“Before everything else gets in the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem is my own rough translation of "Les Mains d'Elsa" (The hands of Elsa).


	17. Sarek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really though I abandoned this? _Que nenni._ Actually most of this chapter was written a long time ago but one thing led to another and I ended up procrastinating finishing it but here it is. A lot of change ahead for the family ! I'm thinking of closing this fic soon (3-4 chapters) but continuing other in the same "verse", there's other parts of the story I'd like to explore, so we'll see.   
Content Warning : mention of a dead parent, and also generally abusive parenting.

It was the end of the day. Half of the family was asleep and the other half was surely deep into studies. Sarek was in the living room, quietly typing work communications on his PADD. He liked the calm when he was at the house. San Francisco, where he was most often when he left, was noisy, chaotic. Having a personal attachment to an inanimate object such as a house, and calling a specific dwelling place a “home” was in a way illogical, but ShiKahr was where Amanda and the children were, and it was calm. Following that logic, one would have thought if his family lived elsewhere he would consider that other place a home, but truly it was not the case. Though he would not admit it freely, he did feel a spiritual connexion to the desert, the mountains and the heat. There was always a tingle of relief when he came back and, from his shuttle, started to see the outlines of the town. 

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the faintest sound of footsteps coming from the hallway to the bedrooms. He would have ignored it and attributed it to one of the boys, but he felt the slightest prickling in his mind. He knew Amanda was asleep from feeling their bond, therefore it could only be Michael, who had to have gone to bed at least three hours ago. 

“Michael.” he stated calmly, but loud enough that she would hear it from the hallway. 

Sarek heard the footsteps suddenly stop, stay silent for a moment, before going in his direction. If the bond that linked them had not given her away, her acidic scent would have. Michael had very specific, strong products to keep her hair straightened. It was a necessity in order not to draw more attention to herself than she already did. Amanda often lamented that her natural hair was way more beautiful, but Sarek thought beauty was a small sacrifice to avoid repeating the events that had happened. 

“Sarek.” 

No one in this house ever called him Father or anything akin to that directly, except for Amanda who always referred to him as “your father” with the children and them to her. This was not something that bothered him, as he had never done such a thing with his own father, or his father with his grandfather. 

“I was just… just...” the teenager stuttered. “You just came back.”  
“I have returned from my trip indeed. You were outside of the house past your bedtime.” 

She had gravel on her shoes. She had taken a detour to avoid passing through the front gate.

“I can explain.”

Sarek waited for her to continue. She did not, her eyes darted at the large windows to the sky that drew closer to night. 

“Proceed.”

Clearly she had intentend not to explain, and assumed her stating her capacity to explain could suffice as an explanation in itself. 

He did not even think there was a possibility she could lie, first because he hoped he had taught her well not to and also because she knew he just had to dig in her mind to feel if she was telling the truth. She was cornered. 

“I was at the house of Ovaa and V’Ula, spending time with T’Pring.”

She did not say more, though he could feel a strange feeling go through their bond. He could not name it, some type of fear. Sarek was not a fool. He would not draw conclusions either, for it was illogical if not supported by evidence. Amanda could provide it, he’d have to ask her later. 

“I am aware that you are now sixteen years of age and responsible for your actions but you have to notify me or your mother if you leave the house past your bedtime. Doing so too frequently might result in you being tired and not effective in your studies.”

As it was all she had been waiting for, Michael nodded and quickly started to go back to her room. Sarek stopped her with a quiet voice. 

“Michael.”  
“Yes?” she answered, standing straight like he’d taught her.   
“There is always a reason for rules and traditions to exist. They bring balance.”

His face was stern but he hoped his innuendo was clear. If everything was as usual, she would simply believe he was referring to his stern parenting or bedtime rule, if not she would understand what he truly meant. She nodded again and left. 

______________________

When Sarek woke up, Amanda was snuggled against his chest, breathing gently. He did not move an inch, as he could feel she was on the verge of consciousness and the slightest noise would break her rest. Instead, he laid there and tried to meditate. 

He had a lot of thoughts. He was a diplomat, his job was to know the things people did not say, especially humans in his case, and last night he had discovered something in the eyes of Michael. He was almost sure she was sharing more than poetry books with his son’s fiancée. Of course, it was a big problem. Michael and T’Pring being so inclined was not an issue per se, but breaking the engagement was. It was the only thing that held their reputation together. Since Spock was lonely, reserved and very rejected, the odds of them finding another match for him before pon farr came were very low. Which meant he would be condemned to…

Amanda snorted and slowly lifted her head before a smile lit up her entire face. She kissed him tenderly, making all his thoughts stop. 

“I love you, I’m so glad you’re home.” she mumbled. 

She was always very… demonstrative when she was not properly woken up. It was not something he disliked particularly. His way to reciprocate was to gently touch her face. 

“You’re pensive.” she immediately said. 

She knew that because he did not move as soon as she woke and kept his eyes half open. It was useless to attempt to debate the subject. 

“Do Spock and T’Pring get along?” he asked, not saying exactly what was on his mind but hinting to it. 

Amanda looked at him strangely, she appeared to wonder why he asked such a thing out of the blue. 

“Yes.” She moved to leave the bed and opened drawers to look for more proper clothing. “They often have tea and talk a lot. I think they’re friends.”  
“And what about Michael?”

Amanda’s gaze diverted from the cupboard to the ground for an instant, before she picked a red dress and lifted it towards her. 

“Michael and Spock?” 

She was trying to avoid the question.

“No.” he stated simply.   
“T’Pring and Michael are friends too.” She said quickly before adding. “I’m going to take my shower now.”

Sarek frowned. What a convenient timing for a shower. She knew. 

_____________

Dinners where everyone gathered together were uncommon in the Sch’n T’gai household. It often happened that Sybok stayed late to work on his research, Michael sometimes finished homeworks in her room with snacks, Spock was invited, by courtesy, at least once or twice a month to have dinner at T’Pring’s house. And Sarek, of course, was away a large part of the time. So this specific evening felt like a rare event, for which Sarek and Amanda had prepared a little more than usual, they had put more care into preparing the meal. Cooking was an activity very soothing for Sarek, he often found the simplicity of the gestures and the touching of the textures relaxing to his mind. 

Everyone was seated at the table except for Sybok. Late, as always. Shameful. When he arrived, he looked surprised for an instant, the kind of surprised were he wanted to run away. It was a look he often had when Sarek came back from his trips. 

He did not greet him. Sarek did not expect him to. 

“Spock, have you advanced on your personal project?”

Everyone had started eating their cold soup, the traditional first dish of all vulcan meals. Spock avoided his eyes. 

“I have yes.”  
“Are your tutors satisfied with it?”  
“Sarek.” Amanda said, indicating they probably weren’t.   
“I was simply inquiring as to…”

He was cut by a sudden, loud bang on the table. Michael had immediately covered her ears. Sybok was standing up, his fist clenched, his soup all over his side of the table. 

“Nothing to say to me?” he said, in an angry but still contained tone. 

Sarek did not even blink. His son reiterated. 

“_Is there something you want to say?_”

Sarek had seen his eldest angry, a couple times. But he seemed outraged this time. He was ashamed that his education had not been enough to tame him, that he could react in such outrageous ways. He believed Sybok would always be a dark spot for the family. There was simply nothing he could do. And despite all the love he had for her, Amanda’s affection for him did not help him heal his feelings. 

“_No. There is nothing. Please state the reason of your… outburst._”

Spock was watching them with wide eyes and Michael had started cleaning some soup that was leaking towards her. Amanda looked horrified, as if she had made a terrible mistake.

“_I will be in my room._ When you figure it out.”

Sybok stormed out of the room. Sarek hated these peculiar human syntaxes he had acquired from Michael, he never spoke like this except when he wished to anger him. As if his little fit of emotion was not enough. 

Once he had left, Sarek continued to eat in silence and quickly realized that he was the only one that did so and the rest of the family was staring at him in disbelief. He lowered his spoon and Amanda put her hand on his, a sad look in her eyes. 

“I’m sorry _ashalik_, I completely forgot to remind you. It’s my fault.”  
“Remind me?” 

He lifted an eyebrow and looked at everyone one by one, waiting for an answer. Amanda cleared her throat and seemed afraid to speak, whereas Michael had an annoyed look on her face. Sarek could feel both their emotions and wished he did not. Spock was staring into his bowl. Finally, Michael got up as well, her arms behind her back. 

“Sybok’s mother passed away 10 years ago. Yesterday.”, his daughter said “We…” She looked at Amanda, waiting for her silent approval. “Prepared a meal to his liking. He went to the monastery. He expected you to pay your respects.”

Sarek thought. He pursed his lips.

“Applying emotional meaning to an arbitrary date is illogical. Your brother should not have addressed me in this way. It is unacceptable.” He had gotten up as well.  
“Sar-” Amanda started.  
“I will not tolerate such behaviour in my house in front of Spock. He is twenty years of age and I believe it is time for him to leave.”

He had not said that in anger or resentment, simply as if it was a truth obvious to everyone else.

Apparently, it was not a truth obvious to everyone else, as Michael left the table as well, without a word, and Amanda, he felt, would have cried had she not contained herself.


	18. Sybok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, italic is for Vulcan.

Sybok had locked himself in his room, which had been scattered for years by remnants of his research, prototypes. By Human standards it would have been a sound place to work for a scientist, by Vulcan standards it was messy, very messy. Amanda had scolded him about it several times when he was younger but now he was too old to be bothered. He liked breaking conventions, as stupid as they were. 

He had really not thought his father would _actually_ follow what he had said and come to see him. So when the door opened as he was reading something on his workstation, he was almost startled. He turned around in his office chair, looking at his father with dark eyes. 

How could he? Forget her, ignore her. She may have been nothing to him, but she meant something to Sybok. Even though she had not loved him, felt anything for him in any way. All his research he had started for her. 

Sarek looked at him gravely for a short time before he spoke. They rarely found themselves alone with each other in the same room, and rarely in that case meant Sybok could not actually recall a moment of the last five years where it had happened. 

_“Michael and Amanda have informed me of the reasons for your anger.”_

It was that simple. _I apologize, Sybok. I will do better Sybok._ But Sarek was not this man. 

_”Your stay in this household has come to a close. You will need to find new arrangements in the near future.”_

Sybok could see the logic in that. Somewhere in his brain where Vulcans traditions were still engrained, he understood he had crossed a line by having a public fit of emotion, in front of a young, impressionable Spock, and that he should, in any case, have been married and starting a family, or a serious career, by his age. He was staying in the house by the good will of Sarek, or Amanda more probably, and this generosity had ended on this day. 

But after all his thoughts, discoveries, the changes in his ways of thinking, he understood that Sarek was wrong, that he should’ve expressed empathy in a difficult time and that his decision was heartless.

_“Given that you are not married to Lomek…”_

He immediately cut Sarek. 

_”They have arranged the matter with their parents, if you are not aware. Once I have completed my research and presented it to the Science Academy, I will obtain a permanent position and Lomek and I will be allowed to marry.”_  
_”There are many hypothetical assessments leading you to this conclusion.”_  
_”I am confident in my work.”_  
_”No. You are arrogant.”_

Sybok tried not to let anger overcome him again.  
_“If that is your opinion of me, Sarek, I will not dispute it further.”_ He forced himself to say politely._ “I am asking you to postpone this change of living situation until my evaluation by the Science Council in 19 days. By then, there is a high probability I will marry and leave by my own accord.”_  
_“Agreed.”_ Almost reluctant, he sounded.  
_“And of my mother?”_

They both paused and glared at each other. Well it was why he had come, wasn’t it? 

_”You have visited her katra at the monastery. A gesture respectful of your ancestors.”_

Never lying, always diverting from the truth. Sybok had crossed his hands behind his back. But Sarek continued. 

_”I do find myself wishing that respect extended to a stern application of the teachings of Surak, expected from a young man of such intelligence and from a revered family like ours.” _

Even when he did something right, it was wrong. Sybok found himself wanting to challenge him, letting him know of his most dangerous beliefs. It was his way of showing he did not need him, his affection or his praise. 

_“And if I refute these teachings?”_

He could see a drop in Sarek’s eyes. Probably he had suspected such a thought in him, but never expected him to say it. 

_”You would be wise not to do so, Sybok.”_

Sarek took one last long, menacing glance at him before her turned away and left the room. Sybok sucked in a breath and turned to walk towards the window, where he watched the mountains for a good five minutes, thinking. 

The young Vulcan avoided contact with the rest of the family for most of the following days, anxiously waiting for Sarek’s departure. He tried to eat at different times and spend most of his time away in his lab. Michael often came to see him there, as usual, and told him what was going on. He understood she had a special bond with Sarek, the mind one yes, but not only. Since that day they had brought her home, their father always had a soft spot for her, if you could call anything a soft spot for a man like that. 

After five and a half days, Sybok received a quick message from Michael at his lab notifying him that Sarek had gone back to Earth again. He came home sooner than usual, his heart lighter. 

When he stepped into the living room, Amanda was standing in the middle of it with her arms crossed, as if she had been waiting for him. He could not be sure she was, but all indicated to it. 

“It’s good to see you Sybok.”, she smiled. “Your father has left.”  
“I know.”, he answered, quite gravely.  
“Sit down with me a minute.”

She indicated the sofa and he nodded before he went to sit. Amanda was a sweet woman, but he also had seen her standing up to Sarek. It seemed she was the only one ever able to bend his mind. Sybok liked her very much, though their relationship was complicated to describe. 

“What did you tell him?”, Amanda sighed.  
“Nothing of importance.”  
“It was of importance to him. I’m serious Sybok, what did you say?”  
“It appears he told you and therefore you know.”, he said, as it was clear she only wanted him to state out loud what she knew.  
“You can’t say things like this to him.”

She seemed genuinely concerned, afraid almost. Sybok wondered what he had told him he intended to do. 

“You are worried, I can feel it.” he said, his eyes slightly softening.  
“He has relations. You’re his son, but sometimes his desire to be right encompasses all.”

The way she had said that almost made him shiver. Even if he warned the officials about his beliefs, he had no proof, nothing, and in any case in less than two weeks he will have proven to all of them that he is right. Amanda had not resisted an urge to gently pat the top of Sybok’s hand for a second and he felt some relief at that. 

“Amanda, I can ask you anything...”  
“Of course. Always.”, she said with a smile.  
“How can you love him?”

Sybok’s gaze was piercing. He was aware the question was harsh, mean in a way. But he had always genuinely wondered. Sure Sarek was especially cruel to him, compared to the rest of the family, but it had always been a mystery to him, their love for each other. She did not appear that surprised by the question but she did think about it for a moment. 

“There are some things logic cannot explain, though he would say otherwise.”, her eyes were shining. “We are two parts of the same whole, your father and I. It simply is.”  
“_Kaiidth._”  
“Something like that, yes.” 

Amanda thought for a moment.  
“Sarek does love you, in his own way. I am sure of it.”  
“No.” Sybok said coldly. “No he does not. But thank you.”

It was perhaps the one thing he was sure of. He never had done anything for him, said a kind word. Most of the time, he pretended he didn’t exist. Well, he did. He would. His father would be proved wrong, he’d become the most famous psycho-scientist in all of Vulcan and make research that would change all of their society. Soon enough Sarek would be mentioning him at each one of his fancy dinners, a glimmer in his eyes, “my son Sybok did this”. He was convinced that would be the case one day. In two short weeks everything would be fine. 

“Mother.” Spock broke the silence by walking into the living room.  
“Yes Spock?”  
“I am unable to find my blue dress robe.”  
“Why are you going somewhere?” Amanda stood up and looked sideways before she suddenly remembered. “Oh yes the dinner! At T’Pring’s!”  
“Yes mother.” Spock appeared annoyed that she had forgotten it momentarily.  
“Your robe is in my room, I wanted to mend one of the sleeves. I’m coming in a few minutes.”

Spock nodded and quickly left. Sybok stood up. He found it ridiculous, the dinners and reception for conventions, to pretend everything was fine, when they would never like each other in this way. Glorified mind manipulation is what it was. 

“A dinner again…” he said, half to himself if he was honest.  
“They are friends.” Amanda answered, but it seemed also telling herself the same thing.  
“That we can all agree on.” Sybok stated ominously, owing him a side glance from Amanda. 

He knew she shared the same thought as he did, but clearly they were both as clueless as the other about what to do. The matter of Michael and T’Pring’s blooming romance had unfolded before their eyes, well Sybok may have encouraged it quite a bit, and all solutions were wrong solutions. Sybok had soon decided they needed their time and what had to happen because of that would. He was not convinced Sarek would have the same opinion.


	19. Spock

The fateful night had played in Spock’s head day and night the first few weeks, less and less through these five years, but still a constant echo in the back of his mind. Everytime he did something wrong, was ashamed of himself, caught a strange ance at him from a classmate, he could hear Michael talk as if it happened yesterday “I don’t want a freak like you as a brother.”. And it was still as painful to hear. He had never mentioned the conversation to anyone, not his mother, not Sarek, not Sybok. They all _knew_ something had been wrong between Michael and him since that night but none of them knew why. 

Spock had many emotions, wrong emotions. He felt he was too weak to ever keep them secret, that his barriers were like a wooden floodgate barely holding up a torrent. He could catalog all of them in his mind, as he did when he was not managing to fall asleep. 

He felt anger at Michael. Rejection, from her and everyone else. Jealousy, when their mother embraced his sister tenderly. He felt confusion at his own feelings. Shame that he would never be a real Vulcan. He felt loneliness, despair, sadness, embarrassment, anxiety, disappointment, fear. 

He felt it all and yet none of it. 

The only thing that brought him solace, most of the time, is the thought that, when old enough, he’d simply have to get on a ship, any ship, leave it all behind and simply explore the vastness of the galaxy. 

The thought flooded him again as he walked the pathway to T’Pring’s house, going to another dinner. Some of her relatives were coming from the capital to visit, and it was customary for him to meet them through dinner. The state of things between them had started to shift around the time when Spock turned twelve. Their respective families had realized he was evolving out of a child, and every day was nearer to be ready for marriage. T’Pring had not seemed to come to that realization, or did not show it, as she acted with him as she did previously. She acted like an older sister, sometimes defended him from bullies at school, lended him some books she thought he would like, never discussed or tossed away his future plans, always vaguely referring to how she would accommodate them, as a wife.

As he entered the pathway to the residence of T’Pring, Spock saw to his rights a strange silhouette walking fast through the back garden. Thinking it may be an intruder, he walked even faster towards it, ready to defend himself, despite it seemingly being much taller than he was. As he got closer to it, he heard a strange noise coming from the stranger, who had stopped in the middle of the garden. He quickened his pace and soon enough, he could recognize the coat, a belonging of his mother, and the brown gaze of Michael on him. The peculiar sound he heard must have been her crying, as her face still appeared to be wet. 

“Michael. What are you doi-”  
“Leave me alone Spock.”  
“You should not be here.”  
“I said leave me alone!”  
“I simply wonder what is your reason for escaping through my betrothed’s garden at such a time.”  
“She’s not yours.”

Spock frowned. 

“I can see you are not in your control of your emotions at the present moment. I will take my leave and request an explanation from you at a more convenient time.”

With that said, he left, but as he lifted his head towards the house, he could not help but see the tall figure of T’Pring watching them from the large window of her room. 

Spock wished to never experience love, or desire even, as they are a plague for a sane logical mind. 

He saw Michael _crying_ again the next day, in the arms of their mother, on the balcony. 

She had never done so before, not since the first few weeks she had arrived at their house. 

This disturbed him. 

He did ask the only person he knew he could ask, his brother.

“Of course I love Lomek, Spock.”

The question had not occurred to him before. He figured Sybok and Lomek were only consolidating their bond in regards to their upcoming wedding, not that anything unreasonable was involved.

“Love is not illogical because it is not a feeling only, it is action. I love them so I protect them, they protect me, and we help each other. It is a question of simple evolutionary biology. Who will help you up if you faint in the desert? You need someone who considers your life to be worth as much, or more, than theirs.”  
“You would help me up, hypothetically, I believe.”  
“Yes. Because I love you too, brother.”

Spock blinked and just muttered : “Illogical.”

Sybok had a sideways smile before he turned back to his workstation.

“Thirteen days and twelve hours.” Spock stated. “Do you believe it is enough to complete your project?”  
“It is completed. I am simply perfecting it.”

He had been saying that for at least two years, according to Spock’s memory. Spock would never have been worried about his brother, because it was illogical to be worried for an older, and greater mind, than his own. In all honesty, however, he grew more and more doubtful of his capacity to convince the jury every passing day. 

What had started as a simple means for Sybok to reconcile himself with the idea that his mother did not love him, had become a complete reformation of Vulcan society. Spock did not even want to think about the odds of that working. He had learned at his expense that his people’s interest in keeping things as they were tended to outweigh anything else in their judgment. 

He did continue to say that for the next thirteen days. 

Spock had expected Sarek to come then. Not only Spock, actually. At dinner on the twelfth day, his mother has asked him to set the table for five, while she sat in an area of the living room from which you could see the landing area. She reluctantly put the plate away after three hours and they ate late, in complete silence. Amanda was visibly angry at Sarek. At the end of the meal, she had said to Sybok :

“I will call him.”

Sybok had refrained a smile. 

“I am surprised he does not wish to witness my demise.”  
“Not amusing.” She was the one to say, for once.  
“He might arrive tomorrow.” Michael had said. “Perhaps some business is holding him up.”  
“If only that was the case.” Amanda had almost laughed cynically.

On the morning of Sybok’s presentation, Sarek was not there. Not at noon either. 

Only Michael was allowed to be in the audience, Spock was too young and Amanda was rarely allowed to even enter the grounds of the Academy, as scrutiny was very high. T’Pring and Lomek, who could also attend, had come early to the house for tea. Lomek was pacing around the living room with their teacup in hand, very slowly, but still, pacing. T’Pring was looking very stern but sometimes glanced at Michael strangely and for a long time, as if checking on her state. Spock was just sitting there. Amanda was, as usual, vaguely trying to make conversation. At one point, Lomek stopped moving completely and turned to them, very serious, but holding their hands together more tightly than they usually did. He spoke :

“It is time still to cancel the meeting. He does not need a Science Academy position. We can find something.”  
“Why are we letting him jump into the lion’s den?” Michael asked, turning to Amanda. “Reason him.”  
“It is too late. We have to accept his decision.” T’Pring retorded, owing her a dark glance from Michael.   
“He is not acting rationnally.” Lomek closed their eyes for an instant. “This is revenge.”

Everyone knew this so no one dared to say anything more. A dozen of seconds of silence after that, Sybok entered the room. He was not dressed nicer than usual exactly, but Spock could see he had shaved more carefully, adjusted his tunic better and made his shoes shine more. He was holding a large metallic case that contained most of the work he needed to display. 

“I am ready. We can leave.” he said simply. 

Amanda walked slowly towards him and put a hand on his arm, smiling at him. 

“Good luck.”

He smiled back lightly. Spock walked behind her and bent his head down.

“I wish you to succeed, Brother.”  
“Certainly. And you were of help.” 

Sybok smiled at him and Spock felt strange, not simply glad like he should have, he sensed something different about that smile, something dark and scary. 

He stayed at the window and watched the four silhouettes walk the alley towards the center of the town. He stared at them until they were not even a dot on the horizon. 

Reading in his room, he was about to go to sleep when he heard loud voices in the living room. Thinking it was his brother, or maybe his father, he hurried towards it but only hearing Michal and Amanda. 

“But what did they say?!”  
“I don’t know, it happened so fast, one of them stood up, they said something about trial and treason, they took him away.”  
“Where??!!”  
“I don’t know, I don’t know. Mother, I am so sorry.”  
“I am calling your father this instant.”

Amanda prepared to leave but it was the moment Spock stepped into the room.

“It will take him four to five days to arrive.”  
“I can tell the council to wait for his arrival.”  
“They will not.” Michael said coldly.   
“You don’t know that.” Amanda seemed to try to convince herself.  
“They called him…” Michael swallowed. “_Ak’spra_”.

Spock’s eyes widened and Amanda sat down, asking painfully :

“What can we do?”   
“They will not listen to either of us. Or Spock.” Michael said. 

Contrary to Amanda, sitting defeated, she seemed eager to do something, standing up, her back straight, thinking. Spock was confusedly looking at the both of them.   
“Lomek is there and trying, but their personal bond makes them appear too biased. Who do we know? Amanda, do you know any relations of Sarek? At the council? Or distant relatives? Anyone you have met at a dinner or reception we could contact. Anyone, Amanda.”  
“I’ll try.” Amanda sighed and looked at Spock. “Go to sleep, Spock.”  
“No.” 

He did not realize he was saying that as he was saying it and the defiance surprised both his mother and his sister. 

“I will make strong tea.” He added and left swiftly to the kitchen. 

They stayed up most of the night, sending messages and communications to anyone Amanda could vaguely remember. The answers? “I am unable to help on such a matter.” “I trust the Chairs of Ethics and Religion to make a sound and sensible decision.”. Or many retelling of the same thing over and over again.

They had to face the truth. No one cared about Sybok. No one had ever cared about him. 

Amanda had gotten hold of their Father but had refused to comment on it, visibly upset. 

As it was half-dark, the sun about to rise, Amanda and Michael were asleep on the couch. Spock had woken up from a brief meditation and rest and saw Michael’s personal PADD glowing. It had a new, recent message from Lomek that said : “Contact me immediately if you see him.”. 

Spock assumed Sybok had been let out and went to look at the alley to town. No one. He walked through the garden to see if he was coming from any other direction, but no one either. He waited sixteen minutes in the garden, before he heard the noise of someone walking on gravel. 

He hurried in the direction of the house’s entrance. There was his brother, standing near the door, the oddest of looks on his face. His face was paler than usual. The strange thing Spock noticed was that he was wearing different clothes, common ones that did not look very Vulcan and was holding his traditional garment on his arms. 

Spock was about to ask a question, but Sybok stopped him with a sign of his hand. 

_“I simply came to give this to you.”_

He slowly and delicately handed the tunic to Spock, who barely registered, staring at him. And then he turned away. 

_“Where are you going?”_

He did not answer and kept walking, so Spock walked too.  
_“Do not follow me Spock.”_  
_“Tell me where you are going.”_  
_“Nowhere.”_  
_“Come to the house.”_  
_”I can not. I am leaving.”_  
_”Where?”_

Spock was reminded of the time Michael ran away. Once again he felt abandoned and hurt. People kept on running away from him. The half-breed.

Sybok finally stopped walking and turned around. 

_”They have banished me. I am ak’spra. I will leave Vulcan and never come back.”_

All the words remained in Spock’s throat. He knew Michael would have said “They can’t do that.”, fought, argued. 

_”Take me with you.”_ he said fervently, his small hands holding onto the fabric of the tunic he gave him. _”Take me, brother.”_  
_”It is impossible.”_  
_”I will come with you!”_ Spock felt his own voice raise, an odd feeling.   
_”You will not.”_ Sybok did not raise his voice, instead he bent down, approached him so he was at his height. _“You will make a life. You will study, unlike me you will be good, you will get your place on a starship like you desire to.”_  
_“Do not leave.”_ Spock’s throat broke. _”Do not leave me.”_  
_”I have no choice.”_ Sybok was both firm and gentle. “_Ni'droi'ik nar-tor._ Say “take care” to your mother on my behalf, tell her I thank her and tell Michael I love her.”

With that he started walking again. 

“_Take me with you!_” Spock said again, his feet not following he stood there in the middle of the alley. “_Sybok! Come back! Sybok!_”

A single tear rolled down on his cheek as the back of his brother’s dark hair got progressively farther away, until he disappeared completely. Even when he was not there anymore, Spock still stood there, grasping Sybok’s garment, touching the embroidery with the tip of his finger. 

He faintly remembers walking back to the house. When he arrived, Amanda and Michael had received the news, surely from Lomek or T’Pring, and were hurrying around, they hugged at another moment. Spock did not tell them anything and when they asked about the clothes he was holding he did not say anything either. 

Amanda put a hand through his hair, which she had not done in a very long time and, as such, made him uncomfortable. She looked deeply into his eyes and he looked too. She took in a breath and announced :   
“Both of you. Pack your things.”

Michael asked why they did not wait for Sarek, as he had told them he was already on a shuttle, on his way to Vulcan, Amanda did not comment and simply said they were not waiting and leaving right away. When she asked where they were going she simply answered “Earth” and then left to pack her bags. 

Spock quietly folded Sybok’s tunic into his bag. 

When they were inside the shuttle leaving for Earth, he sat by one of the windows, overlooking ShiKahr, and he mouthed to himself : _Ni'droi'ik nar-tor Sybok._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone !   
I felt like it was time to end this one there, but I'm planning to write other things in the same series, notably a sequel following Amanda and the kids' Earth adventures (something a tad more fun and uplifting, to experiment with tone) and perhaps a different work about Sybok though that's still unsure.   
I'm not exactly proud of all of this and I'm my own harshest critic but it is my longest work of fanfiction to date and if anything it's already big that I managed to go this far with it.   
If you have any question or feedback or anything you can comment or contact me on my twitter @dilfsarek  
I hope you enjoyed following the family with me!!  
Love  
Jo


End file.
